Let’s face it, our basketball team is terrible. So awful that they even lost to a Big 12 team on Monday night by 25 FUCKING points! So we here at Hawkize decided that it is time for some changes to be made and after a little bit of brainstorming we realized our changes would take Iowa directly to final four this season and poised for a national championship.
Step 1. Coaching Change
Todd has got to go. Period. If this team stands a chance to have another winning season it’s not going to be with this pile of diarrhea, he has set this team up to fail so terribly bad that they probably couldn’t even beat a squad of midgets.
So who’s the man for the job? Coach K? Nah.. Bob Knight? Nope. Then Who? I’ll tell you who, our Lord and Savior Jeff ”Christ” Horner, that’s who. The greatest basketball player to ever walk this fine planet I call Earth.
Can you think of a better man for the job? No, you can’t.. I skimmed through 6 billion resumes in the last 40 minutes and this is clearly choice number one. How would Jeff run the team? I don’t know, but I do know wins will account for 100% of games played with his divine power at the helm.
Jeff’s Salary: 15 Trillion Dollars a year, untaxed… Plus full benefits.
Step 2. Inject some color
I don’t know if Todd Lickliter is retarded or racist (The scientists I hired to find out turned out to be the same as the global warming guys). But either way this team needs some black guys. The movie “Glory Road” didn’t teach us that you can win with black players, it taught us that you have to have black players to win.
So where do we get these fine athletes this time of year? Recruit. Recruit them straight off the football team. Could you imagine Amari Spievey, D.J-K and Marvin McNutt on the outside with Big Daddy Broderick “Mercedes” Binns and the human bulldozer, Adrian Clayborn, playing down low? Hell this team would run up the score so high in the first half against any team in the country that the white guys could play the entire second half.
Step 3. Morale Boost
These guys just got down playing a brutal Big Ten football schedule so we are gonna need to do something to boost the morale around the team. So we load the Hawkize Bus up with booze and strippers and take that to all away games and tournament games all the way to Indy!
Well, there you have it. Jeff Horner at the helm (and bus driver), our finest African-American football players and the Hawkize bus spell 1 thing: National Mother Fucking Champions.
Disclaimer: Yes, those are professional photoshops, I paid 10 thousand dollars each for the first two pictures. Either that or I made them myself because Mikehawk and Colestal didn’t have time to make them for me. So eat shit.
