I’ll start off with this: I think I broke my foot last night.
Maybe it was from jumping up and down after Adrian THE MOTHERFUCKING PAIN TRAIN Clayborn unleashed his gargantuan dick on the Penn State offensive line, or maybe it was from breaking it off in Penn State’s ass. Either way, my foot really hurts, guys.
But, jumping right into my somewhat-of-a-weekly-feature-but-don’t-expect-me-to-write-shit-about-Arkansas-State…
1) FUCK. YES. FUCKKKKK YES.
HAPPY VALLEY NOT SO HAPPY! LOL!!! (AP Photos)
White out. White out. OMFG ITS THE WHITE OUT. Oh wait, I forgot that it doesn’t matter what colors your faggot fans wear to the games, because Karl Klug can smell fear no matter what color you’re wearing. Broderick “Mercedes” Binns was on the fucking ball like Andyram on a Corona, and Iowa’s defense…well, ya know.
2) Joe Pa, my favorite grandpa.
Don't cry, Joe. You rule. Except for when you play Iowa.
Wait, not really. My grandpa is only 75. JoePa is 425 and made his coaching debut for the Bethlehem Braves in their game against the Jerusalem Giants. Ragardless, if you don’t like JoePa, kiss my ass. That is one kickass old man and you know he still bangs his wife ALL DE TIME.
Also, the fact that he prepares for the Iowa game by talking about Twitter with Chris Fowler is a plus. Iowa will continue to beat him until he retires (read: dies) in 2045.
3)OMFG WHITE OUT STILL JUST KIDDING
4)Hey Darryl, you still guarantee a victory?
If you didn’t catch it, Darryl Clark stopped by Paternoville (which is sweet, but something that Iowa would never allow because everyone in the administration is a bunch of panzis(SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)) on Friday night and guaranteed a victory over Iowa. Well, mostly.
And you looked ever so swoll when you threw that TD that ended up meaning absolutely nothing on the first play of the game. You screamed with the passion of 10,000 suns. ARGHHHHHH!!!
Either way – ABOUT THAT GUARUNTEE, DARRYL…..
MMM MMM, BITCH!
HOW’S IT TASTE, MOTHERFUCKER?
Darryl, you stupid, stupid motherfucker. You said you were going to beat Iowa? A team that has historically, metaphorically, emotionally, physically, anally and every other word in the world ending in lly, OWNED YOUR ASS? Man, that’s rich. You wear glasses, for God’s sake. Get some LASIK and maybe you won’t be picked off…yeah, nevermind, you would throw picks regardless of 20/20 vision against this defense.
5) IT’S RAININ BINNS
(in his best scorpion voice): GET OVER HERE!!
Welcome to Big Ten football, Broderick Mercedes Binns. You got the DMRegister’s player of the game award. I’ve got a feeling this is because everyone in the stadium was wet – and it had nothing to do with the rain, but rather with watching you have your way on the defensive line. Me likey.
6) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSS
7) WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
RICKY, I'M NAKED. HOLD ME.
8) Coaches…pull your heads out of your asses. OR DIE!!!!!
Seriously. I’m about to go apply for a gun and spend the 48-hour waiting period pretending like I’m shooting said gun. Did the coaches REALLY vote COME TO PENNNNNN STATE! higher than Iowa?
To all of you coaches who voted this way, please report to the Hawkize administration desk to receive a boot straight to the teeth. Then, I’m going to break your fingers so you don’t ever write a poll again. You’re fucking horrible for doing this and I hope you feel VERY BAD ABOUT YOURSELVES.
9) CORSO CURSE LOL
Corso picked the Shittany Lions for his gay mascot helmet thing. Thank God. He’s about 1 in 500 for predictions since that stunt began. I knew the Hawks were set after that happened. Well, that and the fact that Penis State is teh ghey.
10) OM NOM NOM NOM TURNOVERS
Four more for us makes… like, eleventy billion on the year. Good jobs, Hawks.
11) Not to get ahead of ourselves but..
SEE YOU THERE, BITCHES!
CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COMEEE
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
