God damn. Goddddd damn.
I was hyperventalating during the first half of Iowa’s 20-10 cockinyamouth beating of Wisconsin Saturday. I admit it. Fortunately for me, Ricky Stanzi wanted nothing to do with my pessimism and decided to KICK ASS for the last thirty minutes.
It’s too bad Wisconsin’s student section only showed up for the second half to jump around and sing an 80’s hair-band rock ballad. They missed the only semblance of a football team that Wisconsin could put together.
This weeks edition of the Hangover – a little bit longer, because God damnit, I did a lot of things this weekend.
1. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES
2. I’m lost.
I might have used this line too often Saturday following the shellacking. OK -I definitely used it too often. But, wandering around and asking Wisconsin fans if they could help me find my way to Pasadena because I was lost, was, well, really entertaining.
If Iowa wins out, they’re heading west, young son. Which week will it be? I don’t know. I’ll be wasted from head to toe for the entire month of December in anticipation, though. Sorry, mom.
3. Don’t try to crowd surf at Brothers in Madison.
Those assholes dropped me like Adrian Clayborn drops bombs. I hit the floor hard – but not as hard as David Gillreath.
4. DON’T KNOW MY NAME? NOW IT’S TATTOOED ON YOUR CHEST, BITCH
Spuh. Vey.
FUCK ON THE GROUND BISH
5. HEY RICKY YO SO FINE YO SO FINE YOU BLOW MA MIND
As I type this, I’m actually still giving Ricky Stanzi a standing ovation for his poised, no “Stanziball” performance at Camp Randall this weekend. How am I clapping and typing at the same time? Kiss my ass, that’s how.
6. BROTHERS DONT SHAKE HANDS…BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!
"I wish I could party with you and Mikehawk at Wondos tonight."
I took a picture with John Clay at Wondos Bar in Madison on Saturday night. I asked him what the turf tastes like in Camp Randall and he promptly called over his buddy Brian Schofield. Schofield just smiled and we took a picture.
He said Brian Bulaga was a “slow white boy.” And I told him that I hated him and hoped he contracted the avian flu. I don’t think he understood me and he left. Victory for Iowa again.
7. Things that have happened since Iowa last lost a football game…
- The US elected a black man president.
-Andyram has managed to avoid negative run ins with his probation officer
-Brett Favre retired.
-Brett Favre came back.
-Brett Favre retired again.
-Brett Favre came back and taped a Sears commercial.
-Iowa State has lost 8 games.
-Ron Zook has done 7,453,000 push ups.
-Ron Zook has coached Illinois to two wins.
-Mikehawk got engaged! OMG LOVEZ HER
-Andyram hasn’t gotten laid
-Lou Holtz has spit up over 40,000 gallons.
8. JUMP AROUND
Gay. Not even that cool. Srsly.
9. Madison, Wisconsin is a sausage fest.
Seriously. I have never in my life bar-hopped and seen so much cock in a room.Well, except the time I went to Gay 90’s in Minneapolis. Who would have known that was a bar for homosexuals? Well, whatever. Whether it was at the bar or walking down the street with the shit-talking State Street Sausage guy, Madison is all dudes. I’m now thoroughly convinced that everyone in Madison is 1) gay or 2) a eunic.
10. BULL.
We're gonna get swine flu from having this trophy around.
11. BCS
Sixth? Fuck that. We’re #1 in Andyram’s rankings. Which, for the first time since Hawkize was founded five years ago, are making sense.
12. I BELIEVE I CAN FLY
Wegherbomb isn't the only one who can jump.
13. To the kids who threw shit at me..
from your balcony. #1 – the beer? You wasted a beer on my back? Well, jokes on you, assholes. I love drinking so much that my skin absorbed the brew and I got even drunker. #2 – the eggs. When I threatened to come up there and kill you, I meant it. Sleep with one eye open.
14. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES
15. UNDEFEATED.
Just saying.
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
