I try not to pay attention to national media. I get most of my news from The Onion, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and secret conversations with Sally Mason while we drink mocha and sit in robes by her fireplace.
But this shit has gone too far. As we all know, Iowa’s undefeated (read: fuck you, USC and your loss to a 3-4 Washington team) and is still garnering no respect from anyone around the nation not named Marc Moorehouse or Mike Hlas (read; you can still suck on my nuts, PAT. HARTY!).
Each week from here until Pasadena, I’m going to make a shitlist. The list will be full of people – players, coaches, writers, parents, teachers, custodians, et all – who decide to air their grievances about Iowa in print or video.
This weeks installment includes a few gems.
1. Jay Taft, writer at The Rockford Register Star (Illinois.)
In his most recent Weblog (LOL SEE WHAT HE DID THERE COMBINING THE WORDS WEB AND BLOG SO YOU CAN WRITE IT EVEN FASTER?!?!), Taft writes..
Iowa is the hottest team in the league, and it has yet to find an offensive rhythm. Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin, the rest of the top tier, have all recently lost to inferior teams — sorry Hawkeye fans.
It could be another long bowl season for Big Ten fans. On a positive note: Illini Nation will not have to worry about that.
Inferior teams? INFERIOR TEAMS? This goes beyond “them’s fightin words, der, boy!” and straight to “You cocksucker, I will kill you and wear your skin around the house as a halloween costume during the Northwestern game.”
Iowa is 7-0 and on a tear to Pasadena. I understand that living in Rockford, Illinois is enough to make you want to pull off a real balloon-boy incident and just end it all somewhere around the area of Arlington Heights, but man, you’re retarded. And just when I decided to really get worked up, I looked at your picture.
HOLY CHEST COAT BATMAN
MY GOD. ARE YOU WEARING A MURKIN ON YOUR CHEST, JAY? Did you lose a bet? Is it a full moon and the movie Teen Wolf was based on you? Shave your fucking chest, you dolt.
2. Terry Foster of The Detroit News
Terry’s isn’t as bad. He doesn’t really rail on Iowa, but he makes one of my cardinal mistakes. He picks against Iowa – publicly – in this column and then says it’s “based on a gut feeling.”
Terry – that gut feeling you’re getting about Sparty standing a chance on Saturday has nothing to do with them winning. It’s Pat Angerer getting closer.
3. Bob Wojnowski of The Detroit News
Look, Bob. Your entire state is in an economic freefall. The one industry that once meant something to your world has gone defunct.
Here’s a tip – maybe you should lobby congress for a bailout of your newspaper, because the people writing for it suck fucking dick. In fact, they’re the worst paid journalists in Big Ten history if they think Iowa is the worst 7-0 team in Big Ten history.
Yes, in his most recent retard rant, Bob said that, last week, Iowa was the worst 6-0 team in Big Ten history. This week? They’re the worst 7-0 squad ever.
Pizza the Hut, is that you?
I understand that living in Detroit would lead one to absolutely lose his mind. Well, yours is somewhere in Manitoba. Go find it. Fast. You stupid mother fucker.
So what does all this mean?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well, it means that there should be a bunch of job openings in Detroit at around 9 p.m. central time – but don’t plan on me applying. I’d rather shit a porcupine than move to Michigan.
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
