Party over here, wooop woop, Party over there, wooop wooop!
First of all, I want to say one thing: my computer crashed over the weekend – and I lost my copyrighted downloaded version of Photoshop. I had these dreams – Stanzi as a persian, killing Cousins (Leonidas) at the end of the game screaming “MADNESS?!?! THIS IS STANZI!!”…but I can’t do it. Get to work, folks.
HOLY SHIT!
1. An apology to Front Row in West Des Moines
You guys throw an awesome atmosphere for the game. You do. And with that, I’m sorry. My friend and faithful Hawkize follower Danaconda tossed me, Hulk Hogan style, into a table on your patio and it folded like Grant Mahoney kicking a game-tying extra point.
This is just an admission of guilt. I’m not paying for it, but you should know what happened.
2. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES
3. I SAW GOD TODAY
On the way home (I had to work until kickoff and then again at 5 a.m. the following morning), I turned on the radio. Of course 1) to listen to Dolph’s call of the MCNUTTTTTT TOUCHHHDOWN, but also 2) to soothe myself to country music. And you know what played? That song about going to church, reading the book, and seeing God today.
Well, guess what? I don’t go to church, I don’t know how to read, but damnit – I did see God. And he wears #12 and carries a big motherfucking stick.
4. You think TonyMo has bad luck?
It's allright, Dace. We goin to the ship!
Dace Richardson, who almost had his career ended by nineteen different knee injuries, is out for a few weeks with some broken bones in his foot or leg or other extremity. According to his Facebook page (WE R FRIENDS LOL!), he says he’ll be back soon.
Hope so, Dace.
5. FUCK OFF, FANS
Hey, Michigan State fans who booed THE SAND MAN when he finally woke up from the illegal hit Ware pasted him with… I hope you all tripped and ruptured your ACL on the way out of Spartan Stadium.
6. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE MEDIA…
Jessie Palmer - you are a faggot. The reason you and that girl from the bachelor broke up is because she figured out you were gay, obviously. Nice hair, douchebag. Then, on top of having sex with men, you blow USC on air on Sunday night, spewing shit about how much better they are than Iowa.
Guess what USC players have that Iowa doesn’t? Herpes? Yeah, but try again. Paychecks? Shit, correct again, but come on, keep going. Crushed larynxes? OH NO HE DIDNT..The answer I’m looking for here is a loss. A loss. USC has a loss. Iowa does not. Iowa is better, you faggot.
Skip Bayless-You’re a real douchebag, too! Your name is skip. I hated the movie “My dog skip” and I think I know the reason why ESPN keeps you on during the day while all the adults are at work. No one with with a job watched first take when you called Iowa a “fraud,” and then gave Strength of Schedule arguments for Boise State and Cincy to play in the BCS title game.
Skip – Iowa’s SOS is only about 9 million times better than those teams. But since they’re a “fraud” (read: unbeaten) you decide it doesn’t matter for them? Die.
R.C. Slodumb- Man, fuck you. Iowa lacks speed and general athleticism? You lack a brain and a clean butt.
Pat Harty- You didn’t really write anything, but my buddy DUHRELLLL has a question – is he with the program yet?
CATCH THIS FOR PAT, CATCH THIS FOR PAT...
Every other person that says Iowa will be jumped by a 1 loss USC team – FUCK OFF.
7. START THE CHAINSAW ADRIAN
WHAT UP, CUZ?!?!!
Big Ten player of the week? How bout player of the year, folks?
8. Wegherbomb in full EFFECT!
How's my Spartan Cape look?
He’s a little dinged up – but don’t worry. The Wegherbomb will be fine, and will be starting because HERE’S TO YOU MR. ROBINSON is all fucked up and won’t play on Saturday v. Indiana.
9. I JUST BUSTED MY MCNUTT ALL OVER AGAIN
Trey stomp on yo foot, Chris L. Rucker!
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
