Last week, the Des Moines Register ran a retarded story in which vampire-looking Register writer Randy Peterson followed some no-name fuck from Iowa State around before a huge Iowa State win over lowly Baylor, the Clones’ fifth win in the past two years.
Because we know that only three people read it – the player, Nate Frere, his mother, and his grandmother – no, Paul Rhoads didn’t read it, he was too busy shopping with his wife – we decided to key you in on what a REAL football player’s gameday experience might be like.
TOUCHDOWN WEEEE
A DAY IN THE LIFE: RICKY STANZI
It’s 6 a.m. in Iowa City on Gameday, and the streets are beginning to fill with Hawkeye fans in anticipation of the Iowa-Indiana game set to kickoff at 11 a.m.
6:05 a.m: we knock on Ricky Stanzi’s apartment door to find no one home. Typical – Ricky is probably at the film room reviewing tape of himsel McNutting all over Spartan Stadium a week ago. We head to the Hayden Fry football complex to find him.
6:08 a.m.: the Hawkize cell phone rings. It’s a bag phone. We’re out of date. After finding reception, we realize it’s Ricky. He’s at Jake’s on Clinton Street doing Kegs and Eggs.
Hawkize: Ricky, what the fuck? We have a game today, you know.
RS: Dude – it’s fucking Indiana. I’m celebrating.
Hawkize: This is our quarterback. We’ll see you there.
6:15 a.m. – we show up at Jake’s to see Ricky doing a tap-stand behind the bar. After finishing, he sits down with us for a little one on one.
RS- What’s up guys? Long time no see. Why weren’t you in East Lansing? Man, I fucked those bitches UP!
Hawkize - We know, we’re ashamed. The Hawkize Bus needs a new radiator and Andyram decided to bet the money on a roll of roulette instead. Crazy,huh? Our buddy Danaconda didn’t even know that green was a color.
RS- Hold on.
(As he says this, Ricky wanders to the dance floor upstairs. It’s not open, there is no music playing, but soon, the Rick starts belting out the lyrics to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” After the chorus, he returns to his seat.)
RS- Sorry about that. I love that song. Anyway, what were you saying?
Hawkize - Nevermind. You played great last weekend. Can you take us through your gameday preparation?
RS- Well, I’ve been here since 3 a.m. I have a key. Anyway, around 8 I like to head over to the stadium and do some stretching and smoke a few Marlboros with Hayden Fry. He lives in the practice bubble, if you didn’t know.
So Frustrating. Da Bubble.
Hawkize - No, we didn’t know that. Wow.
RS - The place is named after him, you retards. Wouldn’t you want to live somewhere that was named after you? Christ. Anyway, it’s almost 7. I should probably head over.
(Rick motions to Kyle Calloway, who has been guarding the door the entire time. We didn’t even notice he was there.)
RS - Hey, Kyle. I’m doubling on your moped, man. Let’s get going.
(As soon as Ricky says this, Adrian Clayborn comes flying out of nowhere and blocks Ricky from getting the keys out of his pocket.)
AC- You serious, Rick? You can’t be doubling on a moped when the cops are out like this. Let’s get a ride. I know a good cabby.
No caption needed, folks.
7:15 a.m. – We find Rick at the Hayden Fry football complex in the film room. He’s smoking a cigar and watching Looney Toons.
Hawkize - Rick, maybe you should be watching some game film, dude?
RS - Mikehawk, I’m about to punt your face. I’ll watch what I want to watch. Anyway, I think we can contain Randel El and James Hardy. We’ll be fine.
Hawkize - Rick, uh, Randel El and James Har…
RS - Shut the fuck up.
Hawkize- Will do. Anyway, where can we meet you next? What’s next on the schedule?
RS – Meet me at UIHC at 8:30. I’ve got to visit some kids.
8:35 a.m. - We arrive at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Rick is notorious for visiting sick children, so this doesn’t surprise us. What does surprise us, though, is that Rick is nowhere to be seen.
Hawkize - Have you seen Rick Stanzi around here?
Dr. Omblongodda - Oh, do you mean Dr. Stanzi? He’s in surgery right now. He’ll be back in an hour. Wait, are you the Hawkize crew? Big fan! Anyway, he said to meet him in the locker room at 9:45.
9:35 a.m. – we are denied access to the Hawkeye locker room initially. Up learning that I have a six-pack of sugar free gum with me, Coach Kirk Ferentz kindly invites us in. He’s in the middle of his pre-game speech before the Hawks take the field.
Kirk - I AM SO PROUD! NOW, NOW, SHUT UP, LISTEN TO ME! I AM SO PROUD TO BE…Jesus I can’t quit laughing. Did you guys see that shit on YouTube last week? Paul Rhoads got all jacked up about beating a really shitty Nebraska team, scoring 9 points off of 8 turnovers? Anyway, it’s time to give out the gameball from last game. This week’s gameball goes to Ricky Stanzi for leading the last drive. Here you go, Rick!
(Kirk tosses Rick the ball, but Tyler Sash comes out of nowhere and picks it off, running out onto the field. In the process, he knocks out Greenwood and breaks through a brick wall.)
RS - Fuck it, let’s go.
11 a.m.- Kickoff. Iowa quickly takes the ball and scores. And again. and Again. Iowa goes into the half up 52-0, and Andyram is passed out in the Kinnick Holding Cell.
1 p.m. – We return to our seats and find Ricky with chest paint standing next to us. He’s wearing a beer helmet.
Hawkize – Rick…shouldn’t you be on the field?
RS – Fuck that, the game’s in hand. James Vander Beek will be fine in there.
Hawkize – It’s Vandenberg, Rick.
RS – What did I tell you about correcting me? Fuck you. Anyway, it’s Halloween. I’m dressing up as a student for once.
Hawkize – We like it, Rick. We like it.
1:45 p.m. - The game ends harmlessly with Iowa winning 62-0. Rick tells us to meet him back at his apartment around 7.
7 p.m. - We arrive at Rick’s apartment. He’s not there. There’s a note on the door that reads “Crew – sorry. I won’t be available tonight. I’m flying Delta Flight 712 to LAX. Need to take care of some reservations. Thanks, Ricky.”
THIS.
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
