It’s only two days away.. and I’m wet in my Hawkize crotchless panties in anticipation of the upcoming football season. It’s only icing on the cake that Iowa is playing our neighbors to the north, the UNI Panthers, in week one.
Hawkize is going to bring back Sideshow Bob’s fantastic idea of a weekly feature called “Know Thy Enemy.” In this feature, we’ll share a little bit about the upcoming week – but mostly, we’ll make fun of the pussies on the other side of the line of scrimmage. So, without further bullshitting, here’s our week one installment.
When you think of UNI, some things come instantly to mind. Teachers. Cedar Falls. School.
That’s about it.
But let’s start at the top: heading the Panthers is TV star Kurtwood Smith.
Can you guess which is which?
Here’s a hint: neither of them are going to win at Kinnick Stadium next weekend.
UNI is coming off of a remarkable 2008 season that seven people heard about. They made it to the FCS National Semi-Finals, didn’t sell out the UNI-Dome for the game, and watched RICH WHAT? RICH MOND march down the field during the final minute to end their season.
They return QB Pat “Do You Know Who I am, Bitch?” Grace, a dual-threat in a spread offense. Some UNI fans donned shirts that said “Our QB can beat up your linebackers!” last year while Grace tore up monster programs like Western Illinois and Indiana State. Then again, some UNI fans look like this:
This man is as real as GameDayRon, folks. The worst part? He's serious.
Grace is a capable quarterback. And by capable, I mean only semi-retarded. The Panthers are (GASP) even thinner at running back than Iowa is with the recent suspensions of Taylor Brookins and starter Derek “The Predator” Law. Law was nabbed doing a Chris Kingsbury impression at 5 a.m. Saturday, trying to break into someone else’s house. Brookins? He was littering and…littering and..SMOKIN THE REEFER.
The early line on this one is Iowa by 24. I’d take the Hawks to cover if I were a betting man. And I am. So I will.
Iowa’s offensive line, ranked as the 4th best in the nation by respected media outlet Athlon Sports, eats pieces of shit like UNI’s defensive line for breakfast. And then they wash them down with a quart of motor oil. I look for a coming out party for Ricky “Captain America” Stanzi in this game (not the type of coming out party an Iowa State kicker would have) to the tune of around 450 yards and 6 touchdowns.
DJK (#15 BITCH!) will catch 3 TDs, Moeaki will catch one and then sprain his wrist spiking the ball, and Trey Stross (TREY DAY ALL DAY ERY DAY) will catch the other three and high jump the goal post. Paki “Erik Estrada” O’Meara will rush for 150 yards on ten carries. Ten UNI players will die resulting from internal injuries inflicted by Pat Angerer, and Andyram will, undoubtedly, get arrested.
HAWKIZE.COM’s FEARLESS PREDICTION: Iowa 48, UNI 7, Pat Grace KO.
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
