As I’m sure nobody has heard (because nobody really cares) Myles Brand, president of the NCAA, has gone the way of the Iowa State football program and is now dead. Don’t worry though, he already has a new job as the CEO of Stevie Hicks Inc.
So now the question is.. no, no, not when the funeral is, but who is going to replace Myles Brand. Well, I for one, would like to throw my hat in the ring. Here are a few ideas I have been working on as far as what I would change in college sports today.
1. No classes for athletes
This one is a no-brainer. Nobody gives a fuck if their star running back attended his stats class on Thursday. So, if he doesn’t want to go, why make him? He’s at that school for one thing and one thing only: punching a pigskin past the chalk line. Now, this would only adhere to athletes, so sorry ISU football players, you aren’t athletes so get your ass to class!
2. Bye Bye BCS
The BCS is a fucking joke. Nobody likes it, not even the flirty queer guy working at the ISU campus book store and he LIKES everybody and everything. Even things in his anus, including but not limited to: bowling pins and Swiss army knives.
The question is: What do you replace it with? A Pansy little playoff system? Please.. Those systems are old and out of date. How about the old bowl system? I like the idea of The Big Ten/Pac 10 Rose Bowl every year, but it’s missing something. So, this is what we replace it with:
The Super Hyper Mega “Punch Paul Rhoads in the balls” World Championship Bowl
How do you qualify for this bowl? Well, its not going to be that easy, but there are still two ways. 1. You simply have to be the Iowa Hawkeyes. Automatic bid, every year. 2. Be the next best team in the Big 10. That’s it. This game will be played at the Rose Bowl and AC/DC will play the halftime show, every single year. Taylor Swift sings the national anthem, annually and Kanye West has to let Bob Sanders punch him in the face after every play (not that Kanye could stop Bob if he wanted to).
All other teams will not be allowed to play in bowls, once their worthless season is over, it’s over. Except Iowa State, they have to go to Antarctica and play a game against a bunch of penguins and we all get to watch ISU get their shit kicked in by possibly the most worthless animal God has created.
3. Beer to be sold during all athletic events
Ever been sitting there, watching your favorite team play a little football/basketball/women’s tennis and thought to yourself “Damn, I neeeeed a fucking beer.” I do it all the time, especially after a hefty morning of tailgating and I get some rigid cotton mouth in the 3rd quarter. What better way to solve it then with a great taste, less filling, triple hops brewed Miller Lite?
4. Ticket prices
Recession got you down? Tooo fuckin’ bad! With my changes, ticket prices are going nowhere but up. So, here’s the deal 50% of every ticket sale goes directly to Kirk Ferentz. All of this will be untaxed, and if the IRS has a problem, I will deliver them the meanest mushroom stamp ever given since Iowa State last won a conference title.
5. Hawkize Bus
The Hawkize bus will be allowed to park in any stadium end zone at any time. Although, to not cause a distraction we will park it only in Iowa’s endzone, (doing burnouts in between every quarter on our way to the other end zone) this way we will be behind the hawkeye defense and there will obviously be no football played in that end zone.
So there you have it, that is just a few changes that I would make on Day 1. There would be plenty of other changes of this nature to follow but at least you have it, this is what Andyram would do. So get on it! Call the NCAA and demand it! Andyram for president of the NCAA!
ON IOWA, GO HAWKS!
