This is the first article in a series called “Historic Hawkize” where we will feature popular posts from the original Hawkize site. This post was published on September 13, 2005 after a 23-3 loss to Iowa State in Lames. It quickly became a local phenomenon with thousands of reads. It is our most popular post to date. Ideally, we hope we never need to write a post like this again.
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By Popular Demand: A List of Excuses
In the last couple of days, we have had some communication problems with our unwelcome Iowa State visitors. They don’t seem to understand that the “Same Song, Different Tune” post is not about making excuses for why we lost. We have done all that we can do in the comments to try and make that clear, but it’s just not working.
So here it is: a list of excuses for why we lost to Iowa State. This post also contains pictures to make it more accessible for our visitors who are unable to read.
Stadium policy prohibited Abdul Hodge from entering the stadium.
At the gates of Jack Trice Stadium, it is clearly posted that no weapons are allowed inside the stadium. Abdul Hodge himself is classified as deadly weapon, so he was forced to leave the premises. While watching the game on TV from a bar in Ames, he broke his bottle of Jack over the bartender’s head when he saw that…
The officials were paid off.
This picture is indisputable evidence that the officials in this game were paid off. Maybe the reason ISU students graduate with such a high amount of debt is because they pool their money together to pay off the officials each week. The funny part is that their team is so bad, they still only win about half their games. With money enough money in their pockets to buy a small island, the officials overlooked the fact that…
We had no end zone.
How are we supposed to win the football game when we have no end zone? Below is an overhead shot of Jack Trice Stadium on Saturday:
You can clearly see that we have no end zone to score in. We’ve been through some things before–eye poking, groin kicking, etc., and we’ve done some of these things ourselves (pink visitors’ locker rooms). Leave it to the state agricultural school to do something like this. When a team is so desperate to win a game that they rip out some stands and lay sod to extend the field, that is taking things too far. Not having an end zone isn’t enough to stop us from scoring somehow, so…
They set the ball on fire.
The footballs we used for the entire game were set on fire by the ISU ball boys before being put in to play. This might come as a surprise to many of you Hawk fans since many of Jason Manson’s throws catch fire anyway. We can assure you, this was no accident.
As you can see here, Clinton Soloman refused to put this burning ball on the ground. Receivers coach Lester Erb has drilled the words “hold on to the damn ball” in to Soloman’s head so much that he refused to let go of the burning object. We attempted to put out the fires, but…
The water jugs were full of scotch.
Some would argue that water jugs full of scotch should have made us play better, but we digress. It was over 90 degrees outside during the game. I’m sure that the team gladly would have finished off several water jugs full of scotch after the game but would have much rather had cold water during it. Kirk Ferentz didn’t even have a chance to raise hell about these travesties because…
Kirk Ferentz was arrested by the Story County Sheriff’s Department.
In a conspiracy to remove the best coach in college football from the equation, this Story County deputy arrested Kirk Ferentz before the game. It’s hard to win when your head coach is in a holding cell for the duration of the game. Stormin’ Norm Parker is a hell of a football coach–a better coach than Dan McCarney, in fact–but he’s no replacement for Coach Ferentz.
So there you have it. Things start to make sense after seeing what really went on during the game. I am proud of the fact that we managed to score 3 points without being provided an end zone or field goal posts to score in. Don’t think that these despicable acts will go unforgotten. Next year, we are going to release Bob Sanders from his cage and unleash him on the Cyclone locker room before the game. Don’t be surprised when the team is carted on to the field in heaps. Bob takes no prisoners.
