Editor’s note: I apologize for the delay in time between our posts. Between my a full-time job and then some, it’s tough to get a post in. But this needed to be written. This is my “Hangover” for the week. My apologies – Mikehawk.
Iowa City Press Citizen blowhard Pat Harty has done it again.
First, he called for Kirk Ferentz’s head when kids like Domo Cbi Doug and the rest of his Citi Boyz (TM) crew were going out and smoking drugs. Then, he wanted Ken O’Keefe’s balls on a platter for underutilizing Jake “I’ll be All Ohio Valley Before I graduate” Christensen. Those, although retarded arguments, I can handle and shake off.
This? Not so much. In this column, Pat Harty specifically addresses Iowa wideout Darrell Johnson-Koulianos, a near superstar who has been in Coach Ferentz’s doghouse much of the season per rumors.
Harty, who the fuck do you think you are? For those of you reading here, take a minute to click my link over to the P-C Web site and read Harty’s column. Then, come back here for a translation.
Done yet? Here’s the translation:
Message to Iowa receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos:
You’re too talented and too valuable to your team to keep doing whatever it is you’re doing that keeps you from playing more.
Translation: Darrell, we’re friends. Well, not really, I’m actually a creep from a newspaper here in Iowa City. That qualifies me to address you in a letter, doesn’t it? We’re friends, right? Maybe we’ll go to Sizzler sometime? Okay, anyway – I’m in practice all the time, and I’m a spokesman for the team. So I have the insight and football knowledge to tell you how valuable you are, so listen up.
In other words, get with the program because the program always has been and always will be bigger than any one player. Saturday’s game against Michigan will be the midway point of the regular season, meaning you as a junior only have a season-and-a-half left to play college football.
Translation: Hey, you little son of a bitch. I’m Pat fucking Harty. Don’t you know who I am? This is IOWA Football, and I WRITE about it. So I AM IOWA FOOTBALL AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME. Also, I had my fact checker do some math. There are 12 games in a season, and this is the sixth game! That means you’re half done! I don’t know what that adds to this motivational speech, but LISTEN UP!
Before you know it, it’ll be over. And what a shame it would be for you to waste so much talent.
Your situation is perplexing because it’s not often that somebody struggles for playing time after having led their team in catches and receiving yards the previous season.
And it’s not often that the receiver who is the best on the team at getting separation from his defender spends so much time watching instead of playing.
Translation: HEY! IT’S HALF OVER! I know this because I’m Pat Harty, motherfucker. I coach college football. Well, not really. I watch it. I write about it sometimes. So I know everything. In fact, I’m actually in the huddle, in practice, and have cameras in your helmet. I went 137-0 in my NCAA 05 Dynasty on PS2. I know my football, and you need to get your shit straight. Even though I’m not sure that your shit is messed up, I’m just going to assume it is because I’m Pat Harty and that’s what Pat Harty does. Suck it.
We know you had some issues during spring practice that helped Marvin McNutt move ahead of you on the depth chart because Iowa offensive coordinator Ken O’Keefe said so without being specific. O’Keefe said in April that your demotion was due partly to how McNutt was playing, but also because of things that you either were or weren’t doing.
Translation: The depth chart is all that matters. Fuck stats. I’m not impressed by your stats. Oh, and O’Keefe said some shit. In April. Right? In April. You heard me. I don’t care that April was months ago and that has no bearing on right now. April, bitch. And who cares if O’Keefe really didn’t say anything at all about what you were or weren’t doing? I’m inferring, because I’m Pat Harty. And what Pat Harty says, goes. So, I’ll just assume you were goofing off. Fuck you, DJK. I’m Pat Harty.
We’ll see how good Ferentz feels about you come Saturday because the proof is in the pudding, or in your case, in how much you will play.
You have to take care of all the little details and avoid the bumps and banana peels that apparently are affecting your playing time.
Need I remind you that there is more to being an Iowa football player than just showing up on Saturday and making plays?
Translation: You listen here, DJK. Me and Kirk are friends. Well, not really. I’ve wanted him fired on five separate occasions. But, anyway, we’re tight. And we’ll see what happens when you play Saturday. And did I mention I’m Pat Harty? I know what it means to be an Iowa football player, because I write about them. I address them publicly in the newspaper. Even though my newspaper is failing and I’m a huge douchebag, I’m Pat fucking Harty. Did you hear me? Pat. Harty.
Your team has shown that it can get along without you, as evidenced by its 5-0 record.
Translation: I cover my ears and eyes whenever you’re in, because if I can’t see it, it didn’t happen. You’ve played no downs this season and have done nothing, even though you have stats to prove me otherwise. Fuck your stats. I’m PAT HARTY.
Now I admit at times it seems like the coaches use you at their convenience. But that’s their prerogative.
Translation: I watch the movie The Break Up all the time because I’m a big old douchebag. I really wanted to get the line “That’s your perogative,” in there. This, like everything else I’ve written, adds nothing to the conversation. Pat. Harty.
I’m not suggesting that you’re a bad person or that you’re lazy or that you that you have a sense of entitlement. I’ve always found you to be polite, friendly and fun to interview.
Translation: Okay, I’m backpedaling. I realize I’m a big douchebag, DJK. I know you’ve got more talent in your foreskin than I do in my entire body. You’ve been a really good person, but I’m going to publicly attack you anyway. Why? You guessed it. WHATS MY NAME? WHATS MY NAME?
I also understand that there are two sides to every story and that you’ve been slowed by a sore hamstring. But for fans to think that Ferentz has something against you would be so far out of Ferentz’s character.Your head coach is demanding and meticulous, but he is also fair.
Translation: I don’t care about your side of the story. I didn’t call you to ask you about this before I published it. Fuck off! Your hamstring? LOL! I’m Pat Harty. I don’t even have hamstrings. I ended this column really awkwardly, and I can do that, without really making a point in the entire thing. PAT HARTY OUT!
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Pat, leave the writing to me. And leave the football to the team. You suck.
ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!
