In this day and age, almost everybody pumps out some sort of preseason rankings, from ESPN to Playboy and even The Southwest Mexican Star Journal. The problem is, they all look the same, and they all suck.
So we are bringing back our proud tradition of ”Real mother fucking deal” rankings. Ones where Iowa is always at the top and ones where Iowa State stands on the doormat. (Although ISU is pretty much a mainstay at the bottom of everybody’s rankings.)
So here you go, this is Hawkize’s 2009 Preseason 10-4.
Top Ten
1. Iowa
This one is pretty obvious. After torching the SEC’s best team in South Carolina in the Outback Bowl and returning Heisman front runner Ricky Stanzi, Iowa clearly looks to run the table this year en route to a National Championship. Throw in the fact that they boast the nation’s best offensive line, a solid set of backs and receivers and the greatest head coach to walk the face of the Earth. The defense is loaded with a 10 foot high by 53 and a half yards wide brick wall playing D-line, 3 bulldozers at linebacker and the best shutdown corner since… well, ever.
2. Ohio State
Ohio State looks to get the honor of not only getting ass pounded by Iowa once this season, but twice. There will be no Big Ten bashing this year when Ohio State loses the National Championship game as it will be at the mercy of Pat Angerer and the Hawkeyes.
3. Penn State
The Nittany Lions boast the world’s oldest man at coach, who happens to have the energy of 4 year old kid who has chugged 50 Red Bulls. JoePa might need to pad up at halftime on Sept. 26 after the Hawkeyes leave nothing but a path of death and destruction on the field in Beaver Stadium.
4. Tim Tebow
I hate Florida, I hate Urban Meyer and I hate the Gator’s tight end, Hernadez Julio Taco Gonzalez or whatever his name is. But Tim Tebow gets it done, although Ricky Stanzi and Iowa stand in the way of Tim winning another Heisman and National Championship, he should roll the SEC.
5. USC
Pete Carroll will get on his hands and knees and thank God when he finds out USC will play some chump non-BCS team in the Rose Bowl due to the All Big 10 Championship game. God then strikes him down where he stands because there should be no Rose bowl where the Big 10 isn’t involved.
6. Michigan State
They return enough quality players to check in at number 6 in the rankings. 6 is also the number of quarterbacks they will have to run through due to injury when Iowa pays them a visit on the 24th of October.
7. Illinois minus Arrelious Benn
Juice is back for his 17th season under center. The Zooker is still retarded, and if these guys played Iowa this year, the scene might more closely resemble a 1865 battle between a group of pioneers and a wild hoard of Illini Indians. Look for Illinois to drop a 50-0 spot on Missouri this weekend.
8. Michigan
Rich Rod’s got these guys working overtime in the off season to try to keep their loss to Iowa this year under 100 points. Not enough hours in the week for that. Sorry Rich.
9. Miami (FL)
So I watched a highlight tape of the 2001 Miami team that killed Nebraska a few days ago. I was so impressed it that it translated into them earning a spot on the 2009 Preseason rankings.
10. Wisconsin
They only lost to Iowa by 22 last year, throw in the fact that they have a former Hawkeye at the helm, it only made sense to put them in the preseason top 10.
Bottom 4
1. Iowa “NAIA” State
Clearly the worst team in college football. Hell, in all of organized football for that matter. They dropped their last 10 games of the season last year, got quit on by their coach and another former player of theirs committed suicide. Look for them to top it all off with a winless season, and the body count to only grow.
2. Gene Cheese Dick’s Auburn Tigers
This is a team that clearly has no interest in winning football games. They fire a coach who gave them an 85-40 record only to go out and hire who? Gene Chizik, a man who clearly did everything he could to prove that he is only working with a fraction of the brain power used by goldfish.
3. Arrelious Benn
Arrelious Benn says he hates Iowa. Well, Arrelious, we hate you and go fuck yourself. You wouldn’t have opened your mouth if you knew you had to play us this year. Bad news though, Bob Sanders lurks the secondary in the NFL and I swear on Mikehawk’s life that Bob will find you, and you will pay… dearly.
4. Any Sun Belt team
This whole conference is terrible, rivaling with the Big 12 north as the worst conference in the NCAA. You can go ahead and pick any one of these teams and they fill this spot quite nicely.
