I know it’s been a blue moon since I posted, but I would like Hawkize fans to know that I am once again gainfully employed and no longer have to sell myself for money. I still do, mind you, but it’s no longer the backbone of my bank account. Moving on..

Mediacom is back. And they brought their friend for subscribers in central and eastern Iowa.

Bend over, Hawk fans. The Mediacom growler is coming for you, and it ain't racist.

That’s right. Mediacom has one in every shape and size, and as Hawkeye fans, prepare for a probe that may last months. According to Mediacom representatives, it appears that they’ll be pulling FOX and CBS from their lineup on January 1. And you know what that means? That means no Orange Bowl for those of us in Des Moines (me and Andyram.) And if I can’t watch the Orange Bowl, it means this:

Prepare, West Des Moines.

Look, I’m not really going to shoot people (maybe.) Rest assured, I’ll be angry – at a lot people:

1) at Sinclair Broadcasting for upping their rates.

2) at Mediacom for not sucking it up and fucking paying the bill

and 3) at the West Des Moines/Windsor Heights PD for my subsequent arrest on suspicion of OWI on my way home from the Front Row.

If they don’t solve this, hell will rain.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

In honor of Mike Gundy laying his annual egg today and vaulting Iowa into the BCS driver’s seat, Hawkize has retired the bus.

It gets bad gas mileage, and despite all the Ed Hardy air fresheners we throw on the seats, it smells.

Because we have a long drive to Tempe in January, we’ve purchased a much more economic vehicle. A 1978 Ford Fiesta.

Enjoy.

BEEP BEEP!

ON IOWA! GO HAWKS!

With the Big Ten season ending this past Saturday and the bone-head All Big Ten Media and Coaches teams released, we decided here at Hawkize to release our own all Big Ten Team.. But there is a catch, since all the greatest players in the country reside in the Big Ten this is also our All American Team.  Enjoy.

Backs

QB – Ricky Stanzi, Jr. Iowa

Despite only playing 5 and 1/4 Big Ten games due to the fact he was too drunk to finish the game against Northwestern, too hungover to catch the flight to Columbus and too busy releasing his world premiere movie “New Moon” (in which he starred, directed, produced and wrote) to make it to the Minnesota game he still threw for over 5,000 yards, 126 TD’s and had a perfect 100% completion percentage.

RB – Adam Robinson, Fr. Iowa

9,990 off of 100 carries and 101 rushing TD’s. This kid is a phenom and he also was the first player in NCAA history to carry the ball 100 times and not be tackled.

RB – Brandon Wegher, Fr. Iowa

I typically only drink Coca Cola during the game, but when Brandon Wegher replaces A-Rob I pour 2 pints of Bacardi into my 16 ounce glass of Coke, because these guys not only put up the numbers, they remind of the Bacardi and Cola commercial a few years back.

Receivers

WR – Marvin Mcnutt, So. Iowa

Marvin emerged as the leader for a young Iowa receiving core, catching 50 passes for 50 TD’s … Oh, and to make things fair, he played with a blindfold on, for the entire season.

WR – Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, Jr. Iowa

Played on only 24 offensive plays this season but managed 62 receptions with 71 TD’s and become the only player in NCAA history to catch a football, place it on a spoon(on its end) and waltz into the end zone.

TE – Tony Moeaki, Sr. Iowa

You take the best receiving tight end in the country(Tony Moeaki) and combine him with the best blocking tight end in the country(Tony Moeaki), you wind up with a bone crushing, TD catching bad ass mother fucker named: TONY MOEAKI!

Lineman

LT – Bryan Bulaga, Jr. Iowa

By far the most sound lineman we’ve seen since the conception of the game of football. He allowed so few of sacks this year is actually resulted in the other teams quarterback passing out on the sideline waiting to play.. Well it was either that or the dirty looks and throat slashing gestures Pat Angerer tosses across the sidelines.

LG – Riley Reiff, Fr. Iowa

Started off the season on the bench and spending his Sunday afternoons washing Ricky Stanzi’s car.  Finishes the season as the most feared man to come from South Dakota that doesn’t wear purple now.

C – Rafael Eubanks, Sr. Iowa

Finishes his Iowa career (minus one game) with 5,542 Pancake blocks, injuring 784 opposing players and accounted for 8 deaths on the field(death total of field is still unknown but expected to be in the hundreds).

RG – *Dace Richardson, Sr. Iowa

*Julian Vandervelde, Jr. Iowa

We couldn’t decide here so we decided to do it the Donovan McNabb way and opt for a tie.  Dace Richardson became the only football player to play with 14 different starting quarterbacks (Vandenberg, Stanzi, Christensen, Tate, Chandler, Banks, McCann, Mullen, Reiners, Sherman, Driscoll, Burnmeister, Hartlieb, and Rodgers).

RT – Kyle Calloway, Sr. Iowa

He is not only responsible for breaking over 1,600 opposing players bones but became the first right tackle to have sex with every opposing left side defensive end’s girlfriend immediately following the game(career stat).

Special Teams

K – Daniel Murray, Jr. Iowa

Kicked a 119 yard field goal against 50 mph wind with his left foot.

Coach of the Year

Kirk Ferentz, our leader, savior and messiah. Iowa

Does this really need explanation?

That’s it, keep checking back for Mikehawk’s Hawkize.com all Big Ten Defensive Team!

Editor’s note – this piece was written by our good friend, The Danaconda.

Get to know your starting quarterback:

James Vandenberg

After Ricky Stanzi’s injury last Saturday, it is once again time for the old Hawkeye mantra “next man in.”  The Hawkeyes will be breaking in a freshman quarterback this weekend with a lot at stake – most notably,   the Big Ten Championship and automatic berth to the Tournament of Roses in Pasadena, California.  So we here at Hawkize thought we would get you ready for the big game by introducing you to your new starting quarterback.  Meet James Vandenberg.

Archie?! Is that you?!

James was born and raised in Keokuk, Iowa.  In his years before football, James was more commonly known for his fame in acting.  In 1997 Vandenberg auditioned and won the title role of “Dawson Leery” on the hit TV show Dawson’s Creek.  The series, shot in Wilmington, North Carolina, ran for six seasons and made household names of most of the cast.  In 1999, he starred in the teen football comedy Varsity Blues.  Vandenberg won an MTV movie award for his role.

Since then, James has appeared in many TV Shows, such as Football Wives, How I Met Your Mother, One Tree Hill and Medium.

In High School at Keokuk, James began a new role.  Phenom Quarterback. Among the many honors James received were First Team Elite All State, Captain of the All State Team, Iowa Player of the Year and High School Player Most Likely To Win Multiple Heisman’s, Multiple National Championships, Multiple NFL MVP’s and Multiple Super Bowls.  Vandenberg was highly touted coming out of Keokuk after setting every football record in the state.  He threw for 76,443 yards his senior year and rushed for 18,546.  He threw 678 Touchdowns, ran for 144 and caught another 46(All thrown by himself).  He returned 112 kicks for touchdowns and recorded 210 Interceptions.

While his record breaking senior year caught the attention of Head Coaches everywhere, it was his off field accomplishments that made Captain Kirk realize he wanted Vandenberg in black and gold.  On October 9, 2009 the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that James had won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

In 1988, Vandenberg finished his construction of what is now known as the Hadron Collider.  The 17 mile around Particle Accelerator was built with the intention of testing various predictions of high-energy physics.

Among his many accomplishments, James still has one he longs to add to the list.

“I want to go into Columbus Saturday and knock the sweater vest off his reign in the Big Ten.”  Vandenberg said.  “I want to bring this great University a Big Ten Championship.  I want Roses.”

While we probably won’t see James passing to himself or returning any punts, we will see a team come together as one for one goal.  Pasadena.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

Iowa City, IA — Star middle linebacker Pat Angerer has been given a half-game suspension by Iowa Athletic Director Gary Barta after Angerer tore through the United States this week beating up every non-Iowa supporter in the country.  “Half game suspensions seem to be the going rate these days for despicable acts of violence, so we’re jumping on that bandwagon,” announced Barta, in reference to Florida’s half-game suspension of Brandon Spikes.

At Tuesday’s press conference, when Angerer was asked for his thoughts on several national pundits’ criticism of Iowa’s success, he replied:

“It’s funny sometimes,” linebacker Pat Angerer said. “It doesn’t really matter what those guys say. I could beat up the majority of them, so I could care less.”

Little did anyone know at the time that Pat’s uber-manly comment was a sign of things to come.  On Wednesday, Pat set out on a rampage with no apparent end in sight.  His mission: beat up everyone who has said anything bad about the undefeated Iowa Hawkeyes this season.  Angerer’s rage, which so far had been felt only by opponents on the field, boiled over in a remarkable display of violence.

Television and radio personalities such as Jim Rome, Skip Bayless, Colin Cowherd, Jesse Palmer and Lou Holtz were hit especially hard.

Angerer started his tirade by knocking the slobber out of Lou Holtz, as if enough slobber wasn’t coming out of him on its own.

Somebody get Lou a towel.

Angerer then moved on to one of Iowa’s newest critics, Terry Bradshaw.  On Sunday, Bradshaw went on record saying the replay officials were in Iowa’s back pocket and we should be ashamed of ourselves.  Angerer showed Terry what it means to get “hosed.”

"Who got hosed now, Terry? You're my boy, muahahaha."

Next, Pat appeared on Jim Rome’s ESPN show “Rome is Burning,” which ended much like Jim Everett’s infamous appearance on the show.

Pat: “If you call me Angerer-erer-erer one more time, we’re going to need to take a station break…I bet that you probably won’t say it again.”

Jim: “I bet I do, Angerer-erer-erer!”

Things didn’t end well for Jim.

You can't spell Angerer without Anger.

The greatest damage of all might have been to pretty-boy Jesse Palmer, who was punished by multiple blows to the face and mouth.

Thanks for holding Pat's rose while he beat your ass.

Angerer has since taken a different approach than Brandon Spikes and has reduced his suspension from 2 quarters to 2 seconds of game time.

“It’s funny sometimes.  It doesn’t really matter what those guys [Iowa Athletic Department] say. I could beat up the majority of them, so I could care less.”

Where will he stop?  Nobody knows.  Just watch what you say about Pat Angerer’s undefeated football team.

ON IOWA, GO HAWKS!!!

The university of Iowa released some guidance this week to make fans aware of unacceptable costumes for Saturday’s game, which just so happens to be on Halloween.

No weapons, simulated weapons or other props.

Well shit.  There goes our plan to roll out the Hawkize tank this weekend.  We were planning on attending the game hundreds strong as the Hawkize army, heavy artillery and all.  The gun actually shoots beer, in case you were wondering.

You're telling us we can't bring this? What about the bus?

No authentic looking law enforcement uniforms.

Andyram is tired of getting hassled by law enforcement for partying too hard on gamedays.  This week, he was planning to attend the game as an actual Sheriff, and maybe even serve as Kirk Ferentz’s personal protector.  That is, until the athletic department spoiled his plans.

Can't arrest me if I'm a Sheriff!

No player or game official uniforms that, in the sole discretion of authorized law enforcement personnel are so authentic in appearance that they might be mistaken for an actual player or game official.

In case you’ve been in a cave for the past few days (or had a horrible hangover after drinking away the stress from Saturday’s game), we’re getting a little thin at running back after Adam Robinson sprained his ankle running all over Michigan State.  Shonn Greene, fresh off a 144 yard, 2 touchdown performance for the Jets last week, is planning on attending the game this week in a Paki O’Meara costume to help ease our running back woes.  And by “attending,” we mean starting at running back.

Paki is looking just as good as Shonn Greene. Oh, wait. That is Shonn Greene.

No item which, in the sole discretion of authorized law enforcement personnel, poses an apparent security threat to those attending the game.

Current Colts and former Hawks safety Bob Sanders was planning on attending the game this weekend until this notice was put out.  Bob Sanders is a security threat to everyone he looks at.  There is no authorized law enforcement personnel in their right mind that would disagree with that statement.

This is the face of an apparent security threat.

So there you have it, folks.  Follow these simple rules and you’re guaranteed to have a happy Halloween at Kinnick this Saturday.

On Iowa, GO HAWKS!!!!!!!

Last week, the Des Moines Register ran a retarded story in which vampire-looking Register writer Randy Peterson followed some no-name fuck from Iowa State around before a huge Iowa State win over lowly Baylor, the Clones’ fifth win in the past two years.

Because we know that only three people read it – the player, Nate Frere, his mother, and his grandmother – no, Paul Rhoads didn’t read it, he was too busy shopping with his wife – we decided to key you in on what a REAL football player’s gameday experience might be like.

TOUCHDOWN WEEEE

A DAY IN THE LIFE: RICKY STANZI

It’s 6 a.m. in Iowa City on Gameday, and the streets are beginning to fill with Hawkeye fans in anticipation of the Iowa-Indiana game set to kickoff at 11 a.m.

6:05 a.m: we knock on Ricky Stanzi’s apartment door to find no one home. Typical – Ricky is probably at the film room reviewing tape of himsel McNutting all over Spartan Stadium a week ago. We head to the Hayden Fry football complex to find him.

6:08 a.m.: the Hawkize cell phone rings. It’s a bag phone. We’re out of date. After finding reception, we realize it’s Ricky. He’s at Jake’s on Clinton Street doing Kegs and Eggs.

Hawkize: Ricky, what the fuck? We have a game today, you know.

RS: Dude – it’s fucking Indiana. I’m celebrating.

Hawkize: This is our quarterback. We’ll see you there.

6:15 a.m. – we show up at Jake’s to see Ricky doing a tap-stand behind the bar. After finishing, he sits down with us for a little one on one.

RS- What’s up guys? Long time no see. Why weren’t you in East Lansing? Man, I fucked those bitches UP!

Hawkize - We know, we’re ashamed. The Hawkize Bus needs a new radiator and Andyram decided to bet the money on a roll of roulette instead. Crazy,huh? Our buddy Danaconda didn’t even know that green was a color.

RS- Hold on.

(As he says this, Ricky wanders to the dance floor upstairs. It’s not open, there is no music playing, but soon, the Rick starts belting out the lyrics to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” After the chorus, he returns to his seat.)

RS- Sorry about that. I love that song. Anyway, what were you saying?

Hawkize - Nevermind. You played great last weekend. Can you take us through your gameday preparation?

RS- Well, I’ve been here since 3 a.m. I have a key. Anyway, around 8 I like to head over to the stadium and do some stretching and smoke a few Marlboros with Hayden Fry. He lives in the practice bubble, if you didn’t know.

So Frustrating. Da Bubble.

Hawkize - No, we didn’t know that. Wow.

RS - The place is named after him, you retards. Wouldn’t you want to live somewhere that was named after you? Christ. Anyway, it’s almost 7. I should probably head over.

(Rick motions to Kyle Calloway, who has been guarding the door the entire time. We didn’t even notice he was there.)

RS - Hey, Kyle. I’m doubling on your moped, man. Let’s get going.

(As soon as Ricky says this, Adrian Clayborn comes flying out of nowhere and blocks Ricky from getting the keys out of his pocket.)

AC- You serious, Rick? You can’t be doubling on a moped when the cops are out like this. Let’s get a ride. I know a good cabby.

No caption needed, folks.

7:15 a.m. – We find Rick at the Hayden Fry football complex in the film room. He’s smoking a cigar and watching Looney Toons.

Hawkize - Rick, maybe you should be watching some game film, dude?

RS - Mikehawk, I’m about to punt your face. I’ll watch what I want to watch. Anyway, I think we can contain Randel El and James Hardy. We’ll be fine.

Hawkize - Rick, uh, Randel El and James Har…

RS - Shut the fuck up.

Hawkize- Will do. Anyway, where can we meet you next? What’s next on the schedule?

RS – Meet me at UIHC at 8:30. I’ve got to visit some kids.

8:35 a.m. - We arrive at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Rick is notorious for visiting sick children, so this doesn’t surprise us. What does surprise us, though, is that Rick is nowhere to be seen.

Hawkize - Have you seen Rick Stanzi around here?

Dr. Omblongodda - Oh, do you mean Dr. Stanzi? He’s in surgery right now. He’ll be back in an hour. Wait, are you the Hawkize crew? Big fan! Anyway, he said to meet him in the locker room at 9:45.

9:35 a.m. – we are denied access to the Hawkeye locker room initially. Up learning that I have a six-pack of sugar free gum with me, Coach Kirk Ferentz kindly invites us in. He’s in the middle of his pre-game speech before the Hawks take the field.

Kirk - I AM SO PROUD! NOW, NOW, SHUT UP, LISTEN TO ME! I AM SO PROUD TO BE…Jesus I can’t quit laughing. Did you guys see that shit on YouTube last week? Paul Rhoads got all jacked up about beating a really shitty Nebraska team, scoring 9 points off of 8 turnovers? Anyway, it’s time to give out the gameball from last game. This week’s gameball goes to Ricky Stanzi for leading the last drive. Here you go, Rick!

(Kirk tosses Rick the ball, but Tyler Sash comes out of nowhere and picks it off, running out onto the field. In the process, he knocks out Greenwood and breaks through a brick wall.)

RS - Fuck it, let’s go.

11 a.m.- Kickoff. Iowa quickly takes the ball and scores. And again. and Again. Iowa goes into the half up 52-0, and Andyram is passed out in the Kinnick Holding Cell.

1 p.m. – We return to our seats and find Ricky with chest paint standing next to us. He’s wearing a beer helmet.

Hawkize – Rick…shouldn’t you be on the field?

RS – Fuck that, the game’s in hand. James Vander Beek will be fine in there.

Hawkize – It’s Vandenberg, Rick.

RS – What did I tell you about correcting me? Fuck you. Anyway, it’s Halloween. I’m dressing up as a student for once.

Hawkize – We like it, Rick. We like it.

1:45 p.m. - The game ends harmlessly with Iowa winning 62-0. Rick tells us to meet him back at his apartment around 7.

7 p.m. - We arrive at Rick’s apartment. He’s not there. There’s a note on the door that reads “Crew – sorry. I won’t be available tonight. I’m flying Delta Flight 712 to LAX. Need to take care of some reservations. Thanks, Ricky.”

THIS.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

Party over here, wooop woop, Party over there, wooop wooop!

First of all, I want to say one thing: my computer crashed over the weekend – and I lost my copyrighted downloaded version of Photoshop. I had these dreams – Stanzi as a persian, killing Cousins (Leonidas) at the end of the game screaming “MADNESS?!?! THIS IS STANZI!!”…but I can’t do it. Get to work, folks.

HOLY SHIT!

1. An apology to Front Row in West Des Moines

You guys throw an awesome atmosphere for the game. You do. And with that, I’m sorry. My friend and faithful Hawkize follower Danaconda tossed me, Hulk Hogan style, into a table on your patio and it folded like Grant Mahoney kicking a game-tying extra point.

This is just an admission of guilt. I’m not paying for it, but you should know what happened.

2. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

3. I SAW GOD TODAY

On the way home (I had to work until kickoff and then again at 5 a.m. the following morning), I turned on the radio. Of course 1) to listen to Dolph’s call of the MCNUTTTTTT TOUCHHHDOWN, but also 2) to soothe myself to country music. And you know what played? That song about going to church, reading the book, and seeing God today.

Well, guess what? I don’t go to church, I don’t know how to read, but damnit – I did see God. And he wears #12 and carries a big motherfucking stick.

4. You think TonyMo has bad luck?

It's allright, Dace. We goin to the ship!

Dace Richardson, who almost had his career ended by nineteen different knee injuries,  is out for a few weeks with some broken bones in his foot or leg or other extremity. According to his Facebook page (WE R FRIENDS LOL!), he says he’ll be back soon.

Hope so, Dace.

5. FUCK OFF, FANS

Hey, Michigan State fans who booed THE SAND MAN when he finally woke up from the illegal hit Ware pasted him with… I hope you all tripped and ruptured your ACL on the way out of Spartan Stadium.

6. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE MEDIA…

Jessie Palmer - you are a faggot. The reason you and that girl from the bachelor broke up is because she figured out you were gay, obviously. Nice hair, douchebag. Then, on top of having sex with men, you blow USC on air on Sunday night, spewing shit about how much better they are than Iowa.

Guess what USC players have that Iowa doesn’t? Herpes? Yeah, but try again. Paychecks? Shit, correct again, but come on, keep going. Crushed larynxes? OH NO HE DIDNT..The answer I’m looking for here is a loss. A loss. USC has a loss. Iowa does not. Iowa is better, you faggot.

Skip Bayless-You’re a real douchebag, too! Your name is skip. I hated the movie “My dog skip” and I think I know the reason why ESPN keeps you on during the day while all the adults are at work. No one with with a job watched first take when you called Iowa a “fraud,” and then gave Strength of Schedule arguments for Boise State and Cincy to play in the BCS title game.

Skip – Iowa’s SOS is only about 9 million times better than those teams. But since they’re a “fraud” (read: unbeaten) you decide it doesn’t matter for them? Die.

R.C. Slodumb- Man, fuck you. Iowa lacks speed and general athleticism? You lack a brain and a clean butt.

Pat Harty- You didn’t really write anything, but my buddy DUHRELLLL has a question – is he with the program yet?

CATCH THIS FOR PAT, CATCH THIS FOR PAT...

Every other person that says Iowa will be jumped by a 1 loss USC team – FUCK OFF.

7. START THE CHAINSAW ADRIAN

WHAT UP, CUZ?!?!!

Big Ten player of the week? How bout player of the year, folks?

8. Wegherbomb in full EFFECT!

How's my Spartan Cape look?

He’s a little dinged up – but don’t worry. The Wegherbomb will be fine, and will be starting because HERE’S TO YOU MR. ROBINSON is all fucked up and won’t play on Saturday v. Indiana.

9. I JUST BUSTED MY MCNUTT ALL OVER AGAIN

Trey stomp on yo foot, Chris L. Rucker!

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

I try not to pay attention to national media. I get most of my news from The Onion, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and secret conversations with Sally Mason while we drink mocha and sit in robes by her fireplace.

But this shit has gone too far. As we all know, Iowa’s undefeated (read: fuck you, USC and your loss to a 3-4 Washington team) and is still garnering no respect from anyone around the nation not named Marc Moorehouse or Mike Hlas (read; you can still suck on my nuts, PAT. HARTY!).

Each week from here until Pasadena, I’m going to make a shitlist. The list will be full of people – players, coaches, writers, parents, teachers, custodians, et all – who decide to air their grievances about Iowa in print or video.

This weeks installment includes a few gems.

1. Jay Taft, writer at The Rockford Register Star (Illinois.)

In his most recent Weblog (LOL SEE WHAT HE DID THERE COMBINING THE WORDS WEB AND BLOG SO YOU CAN WRITE IT EVEN FASTER?!?!), Taft writes..

Iowa is the hottest team in the league, and it has yet to find an offensive rhythm. Ohio State, Penn State and Wisconsin, the rest of the top tier, have all recently lost to inferior teams — sorry Hawkeye fans.

It could be another long bowl season for Big Ten fans. On a positive note: Illini Nation will not have to worry about that.

Inferior teams? INFERIOR TEAMS? This goes beyond “them’s fightin words, der, boy!” and straight to “You cocksucker, I will kill you and wear your skin around the house as a halloween costume during the Northwestern game.”

Iowa is 7-0 and on a tear to Pasadena. I understand that living in Rockford, Illinois is enough to make you want to pull off a real balloon-boy incident and just end it all somewhere around the area of Arlington Heights, but man, you’re retarded. And just when I decided to really get worked up, I looked at your picture.

HOLY CHEST COAT BATMAN

MY GOD. ARE YOU WEARING A MURKIN ON YOUR CHEST, JAY? Did you lose a bet? Is it a full moon and the movie Teen Wolf was based on you? Shave your fucking chest, you dolt.

2. Terry Foster of The Detroit News

Terry’s isn’t as bad. He doesn’t really rail on Iowa, but he makes one of my cardinal mistakes. He picks against Iowa – publicly – in this column and then says it’s “based on a gut feeling.”

Terry – that gut feeling you’re getting about Sparty standing a chance on Saturday has nothing to do with them winning. It’s Pat Angerer getting closer.

3. Bob Wojnowski of The Detroit News

Look, Bob. Your entire state is in an economic freefall. The one industry that once meant something to your world has gone defunct.

Here’s a tip – maybe you should lobby congress for a bailout of your newspaper, because the people writing for it suck fucking dick. In fact, they’re the worst paid journalists in Big Ten history if they think Iowa is the worst 7-0 team in Big Ten history.

Yes, in his most recent retard rant, Bob said that, last week, Iowa was the worst 6-0 team in Big Ten history. This week? They’re the worst 7-0 squad ever.

Pizza the Hut, is that you?

I understand that living in Detroit would lead one to absolutely lose his mind. Well, yours is somewhere in Manitoba. Go find it. Fast. You stupid mother fucker.

So what does all this mean?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well, it means that there should be a bunch of job openings in Detroit at around 9 p.m. central time – but don’t plan on me applying. I’d rather shit a porcupine than move to Michigan.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

God damn. Goddddd damn.

I was hyperventalating during the first half of Iowa’s 20-10 cockinyamouth beating of Wisconsin Saturday. I admit it. Fortunately for me, Ricky Stanzi wanted nothing to do with my pessimism and decided to KICK ASS for the last thirty minutes.

It’s too bad Wisconsin’s student section only showed up for the second half to jump around and sing an 80’s hair-band rock ballad. They missed the only semblance of a football team that Wisconsin could put together.

This weeks edition of the Hangover – a little bit longer, because God damnit, I did a lot of things this weekend.

1. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

2. I’m lost.

I might have used this line too often Saturday following the shellacking. OK -I definitely used it too often. But, wandering around and asking Wisconsin fans if they could help me find my way to Pasadena because I was lost, was, well, really entertaining.

If Iowa wins out, they’re heading west, young son. Which week will it be? I don’t know. I’ll be wasted from head to toe for the entire month of December in anticipation, though. Sorry, mom.

3. Don’t try to crowd surf at Brothers in Madison.

Those assholes dropped me like Adrian Clayborn drops bombs. I hit the floor hard – but not as hard as David Gillreath.

4. DON’T KNOW MY NAME? NOW IT’S TATTOOED ON YOUR CHEST, BITCH

Spuh. Vey.

FUCK ON THE GROUND BISH

5. HEY RICKY YO SO FINE YO SO FINE YOU BLOW MA MIND

As I type this, I’m actually still giving Ricky Stanzi a standing ovation for his poised, no “Stanziball” performance at Camp Randall this weekend. How am I clapping and typing at the same time? Kiss my ass, that’s how.

6. BROTHERS DONT SHAKE HANDS…BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!

"I wish I could party with you and Mikehawk at Wondos tonight."

I took a picture with John Clay at Wondos Bar in Madison on Saturday night. I asked him what the turf tastes like in Camp Randall and he promptly called over his buddy Brian Schofield. Schofield just smiled and we took a picture.

He said Brian Bulaga was a “slow white boy.” And I told him that I hated him and hoped he contracted the avian flu. I don’t think he understood me and he left. Victory for Iowa again.

7. Things that have happened since Iowa last lost a football game…

- The US elected a black man president.

-Andyram has managed to avoid negative run ins with his probation officer

-Brett Favre retired.

-Brett Favre came back.

-Brett Favre retired again.

-Brett Favre came back and taped a Sears commercial.

-Iowa State has lost 8 games.

-Ron Zook has done 7,453,000 push ups.

-Ron Zook has coached Illinois to two wins.

-Mikehawk got engaged! OMG LOVEZ HER

-Andyram hasn’t gotten laid

-Lou Holtz has spit up over 40,000 gallons.

8. JUMP AROUND

Gay. Not even that cool. Srsly.

9. Madison, Wisconsin is a sausage fest.

Seriously. I have never in my life bar-hopped and seen so much cock in a room.Well, except the time I went to Gay 90’s in Minneapolis. Who would have known that was a bar for homosexuals? Well, whatever. Whether it was at the bar or walking down the street with the shit-talking State Street Sausage guy, Madison is all dudes. I’m now thoroughly convinced that everyone in Madison is 1) gay or 2) a eunic.

10. BULL.

We're gonna get swine flu from having this trophy around.

11. BCS

Sixth? Fuck that. We’re #1 in Andyram’s rankings. Which, for the first time since Hawkize was founded five years ago, are making sense.

12. I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

Wegherbomb isn't the only one who can jump.

13. To the kids who threw shit at me..

from your balcony. #1 – the beer? You wasted a beer on my back? Well, jokes on you, assholes. I love drinking so much that my skin absorbed the brew and I got even drunker. #2 – the eggs. When I threatened to come up there and kill you, I meant it. Sleep with one eye open.

14. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

15. UNDEFEATED.

Just saying.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!