I know it’s been a blue moon since I posted, but I would like Hawkize fans to know that I am once again gainfully employed and no longer have to sell myself for money. I still do, mind you, but it’s no longer the backbone of my bank account. Moving on..

Mediacom is back. And they brought their friend for subscribers in central and eastern Iowa.

Bend over, Hawk fans. The Mediacom growler is coming for you, and it ain't racist.

That’s right. Mediacom has one in every shape and size, and as Hawkeye fans, prepare for a probe that may last months. According to Mediacom representatives, it appears that they’ll be pulling FOX and CBS from their lineup on January 1. And you know what that means? That means no Orange Bowl for those of us in Des Moines (me and Andyram.) And if I can’t watch the Orange Bowl, it means this:

Prepare, West Des Moines.

Look, I’m not really going to shoot people (maybe.) Rest assured, I’ll be angry – at a lot people:

1) at Sinclair Broadcasting for upping their rates.

2) at Mediacom for not sucking it up and fucking paying the bill

and 3) at the West Des Moines/Windsor Heights PD for my subsequent arrest on suspicion of OWI on my way home from the Front Row.

If they don’t solve this, hell will rain.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

In honor of Mike Gundy laying his annual egg today and vaulting Iowa into the BCS driver’s seat, Hawkize has retired the bus.

It gets bad gas mileage, and despite all the Ed Hardy air fresheners we throw on the seats, it smells.

Because we have a long drive to Tempe in January, we’ve purchased a much more economic vehicle. A 1978 Ford Fiesta.

Enjoy.

BEEP BEEP!

ON IOWA! GO HAWKS!

Last week, the Des Moines Register ran a retarded story in which vampire-looking Register writer Randy Peterson followed some no-name fuck from Iowa State around before a huge Iowa State win over lowly Baylor, the Clones’ fifth win in the past two years.

Because we know that only three people read it – the player, Nate Frere, his mother, and his grandmother – no, Paul Rhoads didn’t read it, he was too busy shopping with his wife – we decided to key you in on what a REAL football player’s gameday experience might be like.

TOUCHDOWN WEEEE

A DAY IN THE LIFE: RICKY STANZI

It’s 6 a.m. in Iowa City on Gameday, and the streets are beginning to fill with Hawkeye fans in anticipation of the Iowa-Indiana game set to kickoff at 11 a.m.

6:05 a.m: we knock on Ricky Stanzi’s apartment door to find no one home. Typical – Ricky is probably at the film room reviewing tape of himsel McNutting all over Spartan Stadium a week ago. We head to the Hayden Fry football complex to find him.

6:08 a.m.: the Hawkize cell phone rings. It’s a bag phone. We’re out of date. After finding reception, we realize it’s Ricky. He’s at Jake’s on Clinton Street doing Kegs and Eggs.

Hawkize: Ricky, what the fuck? We have a game today, you know.

RS: Dude – it’s fucking Indiana. I’m celebrating.

Hawkize: This is our quarterback. We’ll see you there.

6:15 a.m. – we show up at Jake’s to see Ricky doing a tap-stand behind the bar. After finishing, he sits down with us for a little one on one.

RS- What’s up guys? Long time no see. Why weren’t you in East Lansing? Man, I fucked those bitches UP!

Hawkize - We know, we’re ashamed. The Hawkize Bus needs a new radiator and Andyram decided to bet the money on a roll of roulette instead. Crazy,huh? Our buddy Danaconda didn’t even know that green was a color.

RS- Hold on.

(As he says this, Ricky wanders to the dance floor upstairs. It’s not open, there is no music playing, but soon, the Rick starts belting out the lyrics to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” After the chorus, he returns to his seat.)

RS- Sorry about that. I love that song. Anyway, what were you saying?

Hawkize - Nevermind. You played great last weekend. Can you take us through your gameday preparation?

RS- Well, I’ve been here since 3 a.m. I have a key. Anyway, around 8 I like to head over to the stadium and do some stretching and smoke a few Marlboros with Hayden Fry. He lives in the practice bubble, if you didn’t know.

So Frustrating. Da Bubble.

Hawkize - No, we didn’t know that. Wow.

RS - The place is named after him, you retards. Wouldn’t you want to live somewhere that was named after you? Christ. Anyway, it’s almost 7. I should probably head over.

(Rick motions to Kyle Calloway, who has been guarding the door the entire time. We didn’t even notice he was there.)

RS - Hey, Kyle. I’m doubling on your moped, man. Let’s get going.

(As soon as Ricky says this, Adrian Clayborn comes flying out of nowhere and blocks Ricky from getting the keys out of his pocket.)

AC- You serious, Rick? You can’t be doubling on a moped when the cops are out like this. Let’s get a ride. I know a good cabby.

No caption needed, folks.

7:15 a.m. – We find Rick at the Hayden Fry football complex in the film room. He’s smoking a cigar and watching Looney Toons.

Hawkize - Rick, maybe you should be watching some game film, dude?

RS - Mikehawk, I’m about to punt your face. I’ll watch what I want to watch. Anyway, I think we can contain Randel El and James Hardy. We’ll be fine.

Hawkize - Rick, uh, Randel El and James Har…

RS - Shut the fuck up.

Hawkize- Will do. Anyway, where can we meet you next? What’s next on the schedule?

RS – Meet me at UIHC at 8:30. I’ve got to visit some kids.

8:35 a.m. - We arrive at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. Rick is notorious for visiting sick children, so this doesn’t surprise us. What does surprise us, though, is that Rick is nowhere to be seen.

Hawkize - Have you seen Rick Stanzi around here?

Dr. Omblongodda - Oh, do you mean Dr. Stanzi? He’s in surgery right now. He’ll be back in an hour. Wait, are you the Hawkize crew? Big fan! Anyway, he said to meet him in the locker room at 9:45.

9:35 a.m. – we are denied access to the Hawkeye locker room initially. Up learning that I have a six-pack of sugar free gum with me, Coach Kirk Ferentz kindly invites us in. He’s in the middle of his pre-game speech before the Hawks take the field.

Kirk - I AM SO PROUD! NOW, NOW, SHUT UP, LISTEN TO ME! I AM SO PROUD TO BE…Jesus I can’t quit laughing. Did you guys see that shit on YouTube last week? Paul Rhoads got all jacked up about beating a really shitty Nebraska team, scoring 9 points off of 8 turnovers? Anyway, it’s time to give out the gameball from last game. This week’s gameball goes to Ricky Stanzi for leading the last drive. Here you go, Rick!

(Kirk tosses Rick the ball, but Tyler Sash comes out of nowhere and picks it off, running out onto the field. In the process, he knocks out Greenwood and breaks through a brick wall.)

RS - Fuck it, let’s go.

11 a.m.- Kickoff. Iowa quickly takes the ball and scores. And again. and Again. Iowa goes into the half up 52-0, and Andyram is passed out in the Kinnick Holding Cell.

1 p.m. – We return to our seats and find Ricky with chest paint standing next to us. He’s wearing a beer helmet.

Hawkize – Rick…shouldn’t you be on the field?

RS – Fuck that, the game’s in hand. James Vander Beek will be fine in there.

Hawkize – It’s Vandenberg, Rick.

RS – What did I tell you about correcting me? Fuck you. Anyway, it’s Halloween. I’m dressing up as a student for once.

Hawkize – We like it, Rick. We like it.

1:45 p.m. - The game ends harmlessly with Iowa winning 62-0. Rick tells us to meet him back at his apartment around 7.

7 p.m. - We arrive at Rick’s apartment. He’s not there. There’s a note on the door that reads “Crew – sorry. I won’t be available tonight. I’m flying Delta Flight 712 to LAX. Need to take care of some reservations. Thanks, Ricky.”

THIS.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

Forgive me if I ramble – I’m still drunk.

You see, I was going to stay sober for the game. Then I drank around 40 beers instead and went comatose. Following Iowa’s 27-17 smackdown of Arizona, I headed over to Short’s in Iowa City (if you didn’t know, it’s owned by Nate Kaeding) with Andyram and Colestal.

A Hawkeye fan sitting next to me who had flown up to the game from Phoenix mentioned something about the ASSASHINATOR, a nickname the Phoenix I-Club gave to Tyler Sash after his interceptionfest last week at Iowa State. I picked my head up off the bar AND HOLY SHIT BEST NICKNAME EVER GOD DAMNIT.

The ASSASHIN is COMING TO PENNNN STATE!

After coming to the next day between the Vikings slaughter of the Lions and the Ochocinco’s Lambeau Leap, I decided THE ASSASHIN was a better choice because assisnator isn’t really a word. Either way, kudos to you, Phoenix I-Club. You will receive absolutely nothing in return except for this small mention and one bag of peanuts at my discretion.

Without further adieu, here’s my hangover post for the week. Literally, my head is getting pounded harder than Jenna Jamison on downers.

1) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

- Tyler Sash had one pick and got bored and dropped another one on purpose as the Hawks rolled. Pretty Ricky didn’t look so pretty in the first quarter, but I’m pretty sure that’s because he has a High Life Beer Helmet on for the first quarter every week. Either way, I’ll take a win.

2) Anyone seen my cape?

I’d link the photo, but I’m lazy. Adam Robinson decided he’d play this weekend and racked up two diving superduperman scores and 101 yards (the same amount that teammate Brandon Wegher ran for against I Screwed Up last weekend). Wegher also had a touchdown. We’re taking suggestions on a nickname for Wegher. So far, I have “White Lightening,” in the lead – but that’s a little redundant. All lightening is white.

3) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

NFM

4) College Gameday is coming to PENNN STATE

LEMME HEAR YA HAWKEYES!

Corso, get your Herkey Helmet ready. I’ll post more about Piss State later. Norm Parker is calling – he wants to meet me at Dublin Underground to drink fifty pints of Guinness.

5) Iowa is still not ranked.

Big deal. Wait, BIG DEAL IS RIGHT. Well, at least no one is arbitrarily ranked higher than Iowa for no WAIT WASHINGTON?111? HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU ALL.

I really don’t care. But, Washington, AP? HOUSTON? Fuck it, rank Kent State. I don’t care.

6) Speaking of Kent State..

You’ll have a permanent spot on Andyram’s shitlist for pulling that shit on Saturday. Not only did you lose to IOWA STATE at HOME, you did it in front of FIVE PEOPLE. Then again, I’m sure the crowd was a little scared to show up when they heard the Ohio National Guard was doing “Crowd Control.”

Fall in line, Golden Flashes.

7) Bruce Feldman over der’ at dat’ ESPN STILL has Iowa missing a bowl.

This agreesion, it will not stand, man. Are you on meth? I heard they’re sneaking it intoIowa using 2 litre bottles of Mountain Dew now. I bet you’re doing so much that you couldn’t see Iowa winning THREE OF THEIR LAST NINE GAMES, RIGHT? Five of which are at HOME? And against some fucking powerhouses like NORTHWESTERN?

Bruce, I’m gonna say it. Put Iowa in the BCS Title Game in your next projections or I’m going to…going to….send a really mean email to the U.N. about you. You’ve been warned. Don’t be surprised if Kofi Annonymous calls you demanding answers.

8) Nice grab, JoePa!

nfm

You kids and your tweeter twitter thingamabober..

9) I’m out of things to talk about.

Okay, so a lot of people asked about Hawkize.com this weekend and wondered what we’re all about.

We came to a consensus that we’ll tell people from here on out that we’re NOT a legitimate news service. I make a LOT of things up. I photoshop a LOT of pictures. Our rankings, while we consider them completely justifiable and accurate, are not respected.

Basically, if you’re looking for a two-deep, go to Google. If you want to laugh, come here.

We’ll be back tomorrow or later today with the 10-4, the Hawkize podcast we recorded before the Arizona game but got far too drunk to post, and other musings and ramblings.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

As I’m sure nobody has heard (because nobody really cares) Myles Brand, president of the NCAA, has gone the way of the Iowa State football program and is now dead. Don’t worry though, he already has a new job as the CEO of Stevie Hicks Inc.

So now the question is.. no, no, not when the funeral is, but who is going to replace Myles Brand.  Well, I for one, would like to throw my hat in the ring.  Here are a few ideas I have been working on as far as what I would change in college sports today.

1. No classes for athletes

This one is a no-brainer.  Nobody gives a fuck if their star running back attended his stats class on Thursday.  So, if he doesn’t want to go, why make him?  He’s at that school for one thing and one thing only: punching a pigskin past the chalk line.  Now, this would only adhere to athletes, so sorry ISU football players, you aren’t athletes so get your ass to class!

2. Bye Bye BCS

The BCS is a fucking joke.  Nobody likes it, not even the flirty queer guy working at the ISU campus book store and he LIKES everybody and everything.  Even things in his anus, including but not limited to: bowling pins and Swiss army knives.

The question is: What do you replace it with?  A Pansy little playoff system? Please.. Those systems are old and out of date.  How about the old bowl system? I like the idea of The Big Ten/Pac 10 Rose Bowl every year, but it’s missing something. So, this is what we replace it with:

The Super Hyper Mega “Punch Paul Rhoads in the balls” World Championship Bowl

How do you qualify for this bowl?  Well, its not going to be that easy, but there are still two ways.  1. You simply have to be the Iowa Hawkeyes.  Automatic bid, every year.  2.  Be the next best team in the Big 10.  That’s it.  This game will be played at the Rose Bowl and AC/DC will play the halftime show, every single year.  Taylor Swift sings the national anthem, annually and Kanye West has to let Bob Sanders punch him in the face after every play (not that Kanye could stop Bob if he wanted to).

All other teams will not be allowed to play in bowls, once their worthless season is over, it’s over.  Except Iowa State, they have to go to Antarctica and play a game against a bunch of penguins and we all get to watch ISU get their shit kicked in by possibly the most worthless animal God has created.

3. Beer to be sold during all athletic events

Ever been sitting there, watching your favorite team play a little football/basketball/women’s tennis and thought to yourself “Damn, I neeeeed a fucking beer.”  I do it all the time, especially after a hefty morning of tailgating and I get some rigid cotton mouth in the 3rd quarter.  What better way to solve it then with a great taste, less filling, triple hops brewed Miller Lite?

4. Ticket prices

Recession got you down?  Tooo fuckin’ bad!  With my changes, ticket prices are going nowhere but up.  So, here’s the deal 50% of every ticket sale goes directly to Kirk Ferentz.  All of this will be untaxed, and if the IRS has a problem, I will deliver them the meanest mushroom stamp ever given since Iowa State last won a conference title.

5. Hawkize Bus

The Hawkize bus will be allowed to park in any stadium end zone at any time.  Although, to not cause a distraction we will park it only in Iowa’s endzone, (doing burnouts in between every quarter on our way to the other end zone) this way we will be behind the hawkeye defense and there will obviously be no football played in that end zone.

So there you have it, that is just a few changes that I would make on Day 1.  There would be plenty of other changes of this nature to follow but at least you have it, this is what Andyram would do.  So get on it! Call the NCAA and demand it! Andyram for president of the NCAA!

ON IOWA,  GO HAWKS!

A meeting of the minds occurred on August 26, and after a few beers, some tears, and a lot of cuss words, we came to a conclusion: WE’RE BACK.

Colestal toasts while Andyram, Mikehawk and Sideshow Bob talk about the re-launch of Hawkize.

It’s not your same ole “Beer and Moaning in Las Vegas,” Hawkize. It’s not the same ole “Fuck off, Joe Paterno, you dying piece of crap,” Hawkize.

Well, yeah it is…mostly.

We’re back. And there are some slight changes and improvements we’d like to announce.

Biweekly Podcasts

Twice weekly, we’ll be engaging in podcasts. That means you can hear the voice behind the madness – and also, some vomiting and cuss words. Sunday night for sure, the other one will be Wednesday or Thursday – whenever they let Andyram out of jail. Sundays will focus on the past weekend’s action and guessing the betting lines for the next week in Big Ten and other action (we’re suckers for a good bet). The other podcast will be an unpredictable – maybe about my life and my garden, maybe about Jake Christensen and his dad. WHO KNOWS?!?! Tune in or DIE.

Weekly Features

Every week, we’ll have a day designated to a certain featured post. Andyram’s 10-4 – His top 10 and bottom 4 – will appear early in the week. Sideshow Bob’s Mailbag will appear sometime during the week (depending on the USPS), as will Colestal’s “surreal moment,” and Mikehawk’s “Jim Rome Like But Much More Offensive” rant.

Twitter

Just like Ashton Kutcher, we’re fully on board the Twitter bandwagon.  You may have seen a few tweets come out this week while we were working on the site.  Expect regular tweets about Hawkeye news items, new posts, in-game commentary, and more.  Follow us now at http://twitter.com/hawkize.

Better Commenting

The first iteration of Hawkize was plagued with the scum of the web (mostly from Ames, oddly enough) posting their moronic comments all over the place.  We’ve since implemented a comment system called Disqus, which is like the Mercedes Benz of blog comment systems.  To post comments, you have the option of creating a Disqus account, or using your existing Facebook or Twitter account.  It’s also way easier for us to ban you, and by “you,” we mean Cyclone fans.

The same old shit that made us famous

Yeah, we’ll tone it down a little.  We’ve got a few more years under our belts since our inaugural post on August 19, 2005. Remember that? It’s our version of a baby picture. Well, the baby you had before you gave us up for adoption.

So…where have we been?

Well, as for Mikehawk, I’ve been everywhere. Communist China(TWICE!), in a hottub with Kathy Bates(THREE TIMES!) and to the 2009 Outback Bowl (ten cents if you can find me.)

It’s been a long, strange road for me since Hawkize last aired. Some jerk decided it’d be funny if they spoofed an ESPN page and announced that a certain Wisconsin QB wouldn’t be playing due to lack of a brain. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel was not amused by this buffoon.

Andyram? He’s escaped the grasp of incarceration many times. Turns out he doesn’t like to be fucked by any dicks – especially the long one of the law. Could have fooled me (and everyone else you’ve ever met), Andyram. He now lives in a van down by the river and is currently studying episodes of “To Catch a Predator,” in order to beat Chris Hansen at his own game.

Colestal is the backbone of the organization. The Alex P. Keaton of our Family Ties . The George Jefferson of our white version of the Jeffersons.  He’s made something of his life (he invested heavily in vicodin shortly before this announcement) and has sent the Hawkize crew back to the Internet to amuse him. Right now he’s actually whipping me with a cat of nine tails and screaming “DANCE, PUPPET! DANCE!”

Sideshow Bob (or ZoundBrigade, as you may have known him in a former life) is lost without his X-Box, which frees up dozens of hours to entertain all of you. He listens to a lot of podcasts, so expect us to copy the shit out of you, Bill Simmons. We’ll be the non-shitty, midwestern version of your east coast cast.

The underlying message here? Hawkize is back and better than ever. Our first podcast should be ready soon – equipped with our preview of the Sorry Sisters to the West. Be on the lookout for new features as they may arise – maybe a death clock for Joe Paterno, maybe a “Tweet of the Day,” brought to you by TCF BANK STADIUM VICTORY PROUD!!!! Tim Brewster.

Stay tuned, Hawk fans. It’s gonna get real. Fast.  I leave you with the scene in the movie that prompted me to 1) become a man and stop shaving my legs and 2) bring the site back. Enjoy.

Never Give Up.

ON IOWA.

GO HAWKS!