I woke up this morning and drove home from Ames. Man, I got really piss drunk. Not near as drunk as Andyram, who narrowly escaped the long cock of the law once again, but drunk nonetheless.

So, on my drive home, I decided I’d do a post every Sunday called “The Hangover.” Mostly because I have a friend from high school who looks a lot like Zach Galifinakis, but also because I feel like we need to review what happened over the weekend.

1) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES. 35-3. Epic fucking pwnage all afternoon. Ricky Stanzi wasn’t “the manzi” that we’ve been hoping for – but I’ll take 4 TDs every weekend.

2)My name is Tyler Sash and I fucking rule.

IMAGE FROM DES MOINES REGISTER.

How’s the view down there, Austin Ar-fraud? Sash picked off three passes and caused a fumble during the route. Sash only makes big plays in big games all the fucking time, so not a big sur…yeah, I was surprised. He actually had more receiving yards than any of the ISU receivers.
3) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

4) Hi, I’m Brandon Wegher. Watch me catch this ball with 1 hand, run for a c-note and a TD, and then service your mother behind the local McDonalds.

Wegher set my pants on fire with his performance yesterday. Andyram would have loved it, but he was passed out on the bus from a Jaeger-induced coma. The girls from the Daily Iowan took a bunch of pictures from atop the Hawkize-mobile, and fun was shared all around. I also belted out a roaring rendtion of “In Heaven, There Are No Queers,” to the faggots giving us shit at our tailgate. They left early. Probably to go fuck each other.

5) Ames, Iowa is the worst place in the world.

/nfm

6) To the Iowa State fans who wore the “Choke: The Official Drink of Iowa Football”…..

Suck my dick. That’ll give you something to choke on.

7) ESPN’s Bruce Feldman has new bowl projections up.

Where’s Iowa going? Pasadena? Miami? I need a tan. I hope so. Well, let’s pull up this link. Survey says… WHAT IN THE FLYING CLUSTERFUCK SHIT BALLS IM GOING TO KILL THIS GUY FOR HAVING THIS OPINION EVEN THOUGH HE’S COMPLETEY ENTITLED TO IT GOD DAMNIT I HATE TIM BREWSTER

No bowl, there, Bruce? Someone’s mad that his wife got fucked in a Metrodome bathroom.

8) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

Leading up to the game, Paul Rhoads said that he loved this rivary (I listened to him say this exact word: Riv-a-ree, three fucking times. Enunciate, you piece of shit!) because it was “competitively friendly,” or something gay to that effect. I thought that sounded a lot like something you’d find in a personal if you were bi-curious. Anyway, I was browsing the personal ads this morning (Who isn’t looking for love, come on?) and came across an suspicious one…

Who wants some, Ladies?

9) I am going to try out for quarterback at ISU next year.

- Just kidding. They couldn’t afford me.

10) Looking on to Arizona..

I want to hate Arizona. I hate every team Iowa plays. Except..I just can’t quit you, Lute.

LUTE LUTE LUTE

-Make sure to tune into our Podcast when we get around to doing it. I do believe it will be funny, kind readers. With that, I leave you with this. ON IOWA…GO HAWKS!

MINE MINE MINE

On the heels of the Michigan practice time scandal, the Hawkize Investigative Journalism Department has uncovered astonishing allegations regarding coach Paul Rhoads’ practice regimen at Iowa State.  Current Iowa State football players, speaking on the condition of anonymity, have told Hawkize that the Cyclone football program has not conducted a single practice during Rhoads’ nine months at the school.

The allegations include:

• In-season football activities that never even approached the 20-hour-per-week allotment from the NCAA. Players said they do not participate in football activities during the week or weekend.
• Offseason workouts were never even scheduled, and the training facility was never opened.  Though players are voluntarily allowed to work out as much as they’d like, the allegations suggest the Iowa State training staff required no commitment whatsoever from its players.
• Members of the team’s coaching staff staff were not present for practices and drills during the season.  Collegiate coaches are generally expected to attend these workouts.
• The lack of time demands on players negatively affected their athletic performance.
• Players were forced to sign forms stating all rules had been followed and agreed not to inform the school’s compliance department of any violations for fear of punishment from the program.

In this exclusive interview, Hawkize speaks with a current player about Rhoads’ routine.

Hawkize: On average, about how many hours do you spend on football activities per day?

Player: None, man.  Zero.  I haven’t practiced since coach took over at Iowa State. Every day we show up down at the complex, there’s a sign posted that says “Practice canceled today — gone shopping.  You guys are so money, ha ha ha.  Love, Paul”  I don’t know how he expects to come in and save a program that’s on the verge of extinction by never scheduling a practice.  This just isn’t working.

Hawkize: Paul Rhoades’ salary is worth $5.75 million over five years.  It really must be tough to spend all that money.

Player: He’s a really dedicated individual.  Too bad his dedication is toward throwing his money around instead of winning football games.  He even hung up this banner in the Jacobson Building talking about dedication:

Hawkize: Wow, that’s some serious dedication.  How else has he influenced you as a player?

Player: As a player?  Not at all.  My skills are fading like you wouldn’t believe after this lack of practice.  The only thing that’s improving is my NCAA Football 2010 skills.  I play as Iowa, though.  Too painful to play as ourselves in that game.

Hawkize: What about film sessions?  Surely you’ve spent some time breaking down film on your next opponents.

Player: When coach said last week that he didn’t watch the second half of the Iowa game and went shopping instead, he was serious, man.  I couldn’t even watch film if I wanted to.  The only thing you can watch in our new film room is the Home Shopping Network.

Hawkize: What about plays?  Strategy?  Have they coached you on any of that?

Player: When coach issued the playbooks, we were handed a stack of white paper.  A couple guys asked, “Yo, coach, where are the plays at?” and he said, “This is the new offensive philosophy my staff is bringing to Iowa State.  We want a wide open offense that allows our players to use their creativity to win games.  Go be creative, guys.  Be creative.”

Hawkize: Now that these allegations are out in the open, how much of an impact do you think they will have on your season?

Player: I mean, this team has no talent or direction anyway, so I guess he’s saved us all a lot of time, in a sense.  We were probably only going to win a game or two this year whether we practiced or not, so I don’t think this controversy will have much of an impact on our record.  We’re really, really bad.

Iowa State University President Gregory L. Geoffroy issued the following statement regarding the allegations:  “While I am highly disappointed to learn of these allegations regarding practice time, there’s nothing to investigate.  During Coach Rhoads’ nine months at Iowa State University, the football program has done nothing wrong.  I mean that quite literally.  They have done nothing at all.”

During the second half of the epic Iowa-UNI football game on Saturday, the television set in the Rhoads’ household was off.

Paul was nowhere to be found. Not watching his next opponent on television (yes, Paul, they actually televise some college football games, much to your chagrin), mind you: he was  shopping, according to Sean Keeler’s Twitter account.

Keeler’s Tweet from the first-year ISU coach’s press conference read:

Rhoads on Iowa-UNI: Said wife took him shopping, so he says he missed watching 2nd half on TV.

Holy hell. Holy, holy hell. Can you imagine any professional doing this? What if General MacArthur knew the North Koreans were going to be on the radio attacking another country, also knowing that the Americans would be facing off with them at the 38th parallel next weekend? And instead of tuning in to the end of the showdown, he decided to go to the mall?

Well, I, for one, would have called him a pussy. Did you guys go to Home Depot, Paul? Bed Bath and Beyond? Did you have time?

This begs the question: What did Paul Rhoads buy on Saturday at the mall? My best guesses:

1. A pillow to sit on for the rest of the season. The cunt-punt that Iowa is going to deliver to a sold out (well, not really) Jack Trice Stadium Saturday morning will leave anyone wanting some extra comfort.

2. Plane tickets for the New Year’s weekend. God knows Paul won’t have a game to coach – and he sure as hell won’t be watching any of them on TV. I heard Minneapolis is beautiful that time of year, Rhoadsie. Maybe you and Tim Brewster can go on a double shopping date to the Mall of America? Neither of you will have anything  better to do. Can’t wait to see the Tweets.

3. USC  gear. That was an accident. He honestly thought he was buying a new Cyclone shirt.

4. Mustache Wax For His Old  Buddy Dave Wannstedt. I will continue to make fun of Rhoads for being the DC under Wanny at Pitt. Deal with it.

5. A gun and three bullets. You k now what for. But why three bullets? The Hawks are bound to block the first two tries.

Look at all this loot, motherfucker! Screw college football...this is where the sales happen!

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

With great pride, we present to you the first edition of the Hawkize podcast.  Tune in for a recap of the UNI thriller, Andyram and Mikehawk’s trip to Ames, the Hawkize party bus, and a whole lot of unfriendly words towards Iowa State.

Download