Party over here, wooop woop, Party over there, wooop wooop!

First of all, I want to say one thing: my computer crashed over the weekend – and I lost my copyrighted downloaded version of Photoshop. I had these dreams – Stanzi as a persian, killing Cousins (Leonidas) at the end of the game screaming “MADNESS?!?! THIS IS STANZI!!”…but I can’t do it. Get to work, folks.

HOLY SHIT!

1. An apology to Front Row in West Des Moines

You guys throw an awesome atmosphere for the game. You do. And with that, I’m sorry. My friend and faithful Hawkize follower Danaconda tossed me, Hulk Hogan style, into a table on your patio and it folded like Grant Mahoney kicking a game-tying extra point.

This is just an admission of guilt. I’m not paying for it, but you should know what happened.

2. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

3. I SAW GOD TODAY

On the way home (I had to work until kickoff and then again at 5 a.m. the following morning), I turned on the radio. Of course 1) to listen to Dolph’s call of the MCNUTTTTTT TOUCHHHDOWN, but also 2) to soothe myself to country music. And you know what played? That song about going to church, reading the book, and seeing God today.

Well, guess what? I don’t go to church, I don’t know how to read, but damnit – I did see God. And he wears #12 and carries a big motherfucking stick.

4. You think TonyMo has bad luck?

It's allright, Dace. We goin to the ship!

Dace Richardson, who almost had his career ended by nineteen different knee injuries,  is out for a few weeks with some broken bones in his foot or leg or other extremity. According to his Facebook page (WE R FRIENDS LOL!), he says he’ll be back soon.

Hope so, Dace.

5. FUCK OFF, FANS

Hey, Michigan State fans who booed THE SAND MAN when he finally woke up from the illegal hit Ware pasted him with… I hope you all tripped and ruptured your ACL on the way out of Spartan Stadium.

6. DON’T GET ME STARTED ON THE MEDIA…

Jessie Palmer - you are a faggot. The reason you and that girl from the bachelor broke up is because she figured out you were gay, obviously. Nice hair, douchebag. Then, on top of having sex with men, you blow USC on air on Sunday night, spewing shit about how much better they are than Iowa.

Guess what USC players have that Iowa doesn’t? Herpes? Yeah, but try again. Paychecks? Shit, correct again, but come on, keep going. Crushed larynxes? OH NO HE DIDNT..The answer I’m looking for here is a loss. A loss. USC has a loss. Iowa does not. Iowa is better, you faggot.

Skip Bayless-You’re a real douchebag, too! Your name is skip. I hated the movie “My dog skip” and I think I know the reason why ESPN keeps you on during the day while all the adults are at work. No one with with a job watched first take when you called Iowa a “fraud,” and then gave Strength of Schedule arguments for Boise State and Cincy to play in the BCS title game.

Skip – Iowa’s SOS is only about 9 million times better than those teams. But since they’re a “fraud” (read: unbeaten) you decide it doesn’t matter for them? Die.

R.C. Slodumb- Man, fuck you. Iowa lacks speed and general athleticism? You lack a brain and a clean butt.

Pat Harty- You didn’t really write anything, but my buddy DUHRELLLL has a question – is he with the program yet?

CATCH THIS FOR PAT, CATCH THIS FOR PAT...

Every other person that says Iowa will be jumped by a 1 loss USC team – FUCK OFF.

7. START THE CHAINSAW ADRIAN

WHAT UP, CUZ?!?!!

Big Ten player of the week? How bout player of the year, folks?

8. Wegherbomb in full EFFECT!

How's my Spartan Cape look?

He’s a little dinged up – but don’t worry. The Wegherbomb will be fine, and will be starting because HERE’S TO YOU MR. ROBINSON is all fucked up and won’t play on Saturday v. Indiana.

9. I JUST BUSTED MY MCNUTT ALL OVER AGAIN

Trey stomp on yo foot, Chris L. Rucker!

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

God damn. Goddddd damn.

I was hyperventalating during the first half of Iowa’s 20-10 cockinyamouth beating of Wisconsin Saturday. I admit it. Fortunately for me, Ricky Stanzi wanted nothing to do with my pessimism and decided to KICK ASS for the last thirty minutes.

It’s too bad Wisconsin’s student section only showed up for the second half to jump around and sing an 80’s hair-band rock ballad. They missed the only semblance of a football team that Wisconsin could put together.

This weeks edition of the Hangover – a little bit longer, because God damnit, I did a lot of things this weekend.

1. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

2. I’m lost.

I might have used this line too often Saturday following the shellacking. OK -I definitely used it too often. But, wandering around and asking Wisconsin fans if they could help me find my way to Pasadena because I was lost, was, well, really entertaining.

If Iowa wins out, they’re heading west, young son. Which week will it be? I don’t know. I’ll be wasted from head to toe for the entire month of December in anticipation, though. Sorry, mom.

3. Don’t try to crowd surf at Brothers in Madison.

Those assholes dropped me like Adrian Clayborn drops bombs. I hit the floor hard – but not as hard as David Gillreath.

4. DON’T KNOW MY NAME? NOW IT’S TATTOOED ON YOUR CHEST, BITCH

Spuh. Vey.

FUCK ON THE GROUND BISH

5. HEY RICKY YO SO FINE YO SO FINE YOU BLOW MA MIND

As I type this, I’m actually still giving Ricky Stanzi a standing ovation for his poised, no “Stanziball” performance at Camp Randall this weekend. How am I clapping and typing at the same time? Kiss my ass, that’s how.

6. BROTHERS DONT SHAKE HANDS…BROTHERS GOTTA HUG!

"I wish I could party with you and Mikehawk at Wondos tonight."

I took a picture with John Clay at Wondos Bar in Madison on Saturday night. I asked him what the turf tastes like in Camp Randall and he promptly called over his buddy Brian Schofield. Schofield just smiled and we took a picture.

He said Brian Bulaga was a “slow white boy.” And I told him that I hated him and hoped he contracted the avian flu. I don’t think he understood me and he left. Victory for Iowa again.

7. Things that have happened since Iowa last lost a football game…

- The US elected a black man president.

-Andyram has managed to avoid negative run ins with his probation officer

-Brett Favre retired.

-Brett Favre came back.

-Brett Favre retired again.

-Brett Favre came back and taped a Sears commercial.

-Iowa State has lost 8 games.

-Ron Zook has done 7,453,000 push ups.

-Ron Zook has coached Illinois to two wins.

-Mikehawk got engaged! OMG LOVEZ HER

-Andyram hasn’t gotten laid

-Lou Holtz has spit up over 40,000 gallons.

8. JUMP AROUND

Gay. Not even that cool. Srsly.

9. Madison, Wisconsin is a sausage fest.

Seriously. I have never in my life bar-hopped and seen so much cock in a room.Well, except the time I went to Gay 90’s in Minneapolis. Who would have known that was a bar for homosexuals? Well, whatever. Whether it was at the bar or walking down the street with the shit-talking State Street Sausage guy, Madison is all dudes. I’m now thoroughly convinced that everyone in Madison is 1) gay or 2) a eunic.

10. BULL.

We're gonna get swine flu from having this trophy around.

11. BCS

Sixth? Fuck that. We’re #1 in Andyram’s rankings. Which, for the first time since Hawkize was founded five years ago, are making sense.

12. I BELIEVE I CAN FLY

Wegherbomb isn't the only one who can jump.

13. To the kids who threw shit at me..

from your balcony. #1 – the beer? You wasted a beer on my back? Well, jokes on you, assholes. I love drinking so much that my skin absorbed the brew and I got even drunker. #2 – the eggs. When I threatened to come up there and kill you, I meant it. Sleep with one eye open.

14. FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YES

15. UNDEFEATED.

Just saying.

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

It’s been too long. Sorry.

I’ll start off with a list of excuses. First, I was drunk perpetually from Friday evening until now. See, Mikehawk here is a big Twins fan. And, as you know, the Twins were swept out of the playoffs by the motherfucking New York Yankees. Well, this upset me, and in true Joe Nathan style, I grabbed a case of Wild Turkey, my Boy Meets World Boxed Set, and hid in the corner until ten minutes ago. Second? See the first excuse.

Without further adieuuuuu….

1. FUCK. YES.

2. OM NOM NOM TATE FORCIER

Man, I really hated Tate Forcier before this game. Why? I hate bad Web sites, for one- and the monstrosity that is his personal page just pisses me off. Seriously, Tate? Your name isn’t even Tate, you douchebag. You can’t just decide to change your name to sound cool. Well, I can, but I didn’t fumble the ball or throw an interception on Sautrday night.

Why else do you hate Tate Forcier? Well, his dick has got to be sorer than Andyram’s asshole after a prison sentence from the on-air blowjob he received from the announcers on Saturday night.

Newsflash, Herby and Brent – Forcier sucks. Really bad. Not Jake Christensen losing 80-10 in his last two starts against Penn State bad, but pretty bad.

Look at him, for God’s sake.

I'm so excited....and I just can't hide it...

3. TONY MOOO…..HE’S A VEGETARIAN

FUCK OUT MY WAY

Welcome back, crouching Tony, hidden vagina. It’s frustrating to no end to see you catch 10 balls on Satruday and rip off two long scores knowing that, ultimately, you’ll stub your toe tying your shoe and be out for the season. Nonetheless, thanks for coming back and saving the motherfucking day. You should probably win the Mackey, but I don’t trust you to not drop the trophy and break your leg. Stay in your bubble, please.

4. I BLACKOUTTTTTTTT

The blackout looked awesome on TV. Kudos to the Iowa fanbase for finally deciding not to wear ten thousand different colors to the game because “it’s your lucky shirt that you wore when Paul Burmeister threw that touchdown.”

I currently don’t have a video editing program or the skillset to do such an edit, but there are some nice YouTube video highlight videos out there. Someone, use this song in the background. I’ll reward you with a nice slap on the ass and free beer if you show up to the next Iowa game.

5. THE AIR UP THERE

Superman used to wear number six. Now, he wears #3 and loves to JUMP AROUND

got ma cape?

-6. This High Life is for you, Ricky.

Well, you and whichever Wisconsin DB you throw the ball to on Saturday for their first touchdown. STOP FUCKING DOING THAT! Good talk.

7. HOUSE OF PAIN

Fuck Madison. Anyone scared? I’m not. Well, I’m not playing, so I shouldn’t be. But I am scared of a Wisconsin co-ed eating me whole, so that’s something.

Iowa goes up against the Hawkeye tattoo that has lost 7 of 11 games he has coached against ranked teams. Upside that announcers will use to convince you a Badger victory is assured? He’s undefeated at Noon Eastern games at Camp Randall. Guess what? The Twins were undefeated on Sundays in October leading up to their playoff loss to tha Yankees. Big fucking deal.

Iowa is going to make John Clay regret his college decision quickly.

8. So long, Urs Truly.

Paul Chaney, Jr. was lost for the year with an ACL tear this week. God speed, young son. The Hawkeye track team turns its lonely eyes to you, D’Juan Richardson. KEENAN TIME for the football squad.

9. The Hawkize bus is leaving for Madison from Des Moines around noon on Friday. Iowa City departure somewhere around 2 p.m. If you want to go (no charge), leave a message in a comment with an email address or cell phone number.

10. badger badger badger badger

dead lol!

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!

I’ll start off with this: I think I broke my foot last night.

Maybe it was from jumping up and down after Adrian THE MOTHERFUCKING PAIN TRAIN Clayborn unleashed his gargantuan dick on the Penn State offensive line, or maybe it was from breaking it off in Penn State’s ass. Either way, my foot really hurts, guys.

But, jumping right into my somewhat-of-a-weekly-feature-but-don’t-expect-me-to-write-shit-about-Arkansas-State…

1) FUCK. YES. FUCKKKKK YES.

HAPPY VALLEY NOT SO HAPPY! LOL!!! (AP Photos)

White out. White out. OMFG ITS THE WHITE OUT. Oh wait, I forgot that it doesn’t matter what colors your faggot fans wear to the games, because Karl Klug can smell fear no matter what color you’re wearing. Broderick “Mercedes” Binns was on the fucking ball like Andyram on a Corona, and Iowa’s defense…well, ya know.

2) Joe Pa, my favorite grandpa.

Don't cry, Joe. You rule. Except for when you play Iowa.

Wait, not really. My grandpa is only 75. JoePa is 425 and made his coaching debut for the Bethlehem Braves in their game against the Jerusalem Giants. Ragardless, if you don’t like JoePa, kiss my ass. That is one kickass old man and you know he still bangs his wife ALL DE TIME.

Also, the fact that he prepares for the Iowa game by talking about Twitter with Chris Fowler is a plus. Iowa will continue to beat him until he retires (read: dies) in 2045.

3)OMFG WHITE OUT STILL JUST KIDDING

4)Hey Darryl, you still guarantee a victory?

If you didn’t catch it, Darryl Clark stopped by Paternoville (which is sweet, but something that Iowa would never allow because everyone in the administration is a bunch of panzis(SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)) on Friday night and guaranteed a victory over Iowa. Well, mostly.

And you looked ever so swoll when you threw that TD that ended up meaning absolutely nothing on the first play of the game. You screamed with the passion of 10,000 suns. ARGHHHHHH!!!

Either way – ABOUT THAT GUARUNTEE, DARRYL…..

MMM MMM, BITCH!

HOW’S IT TASTE, MOTHERFUCKER?

Darryl, you stupid, stupid motherfucker. You said you were going to beat Iowa? A team that has historically, metaphorically, emotionally, physically, anally and every other word in the world ending in lly, OWNED YOUR ASS? Man, that’s rich. You wear glasses, for God’s sake. Get some LASIK and maybe you won’t be picked off…yeah, nevermind, you would throw picks regardless of 20/20 vision against this defense.

5) IT’S RAININ BINNS

(in his best scorpion voice): GET OVER HERE!!

Welcome to Big Ten football, Broderick Mercedes Binns. You got the DMRegister’s player of the game award. I’ve got a feeling this is because everyone in the stadium was wet – and it had nothing to do with the rain, but rather with watching you have your way on the defensive line. Me likey.

6) FUCK YES FUCK YES FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSS

7) WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

RICKY, I'M NAKED. HOLD ME.

8) Coaches…pull your heads out of your asses. OR DIE!!!!!

Seriously. I’m about to go apply for a gun and spend the 48-hour waiting period pretending like I’m shooting said gun. Did the coaches REALLY vote COME TO PENNNNNN STATE! higher than Iowa?

To all of you coaches who voted this way, please report to the Hawkize administration desk to receive a boot straight to the teeth. Then, I’m going to break your fingers so you don’t ever write a poll again. You’re fucking horrible for doing this and I hope you feel VERY BAD ABOUT YOURSELVES.

9) CORSO CURSE LOL

Corso picked the Shittany Lions for his gay mascot helmet thing. Thank God. He’s about 1 in 500 for predictions since that stunt began. I knew the Hawks were set after that happened. Well, that and the fact that Penis State is teh ghey.

10) OM NOM NOM NOM TURNOVERS

Four more for us makes… like, eleventy billion on the year. Good jobs, Hawks.

11) Not to get ahead of ourselves but..

SEE YOU THERE, BITCHES!

CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COMEEE

ON IOWA. GO HAWKS!