Hawkize » Weekly 10-4

Week 3 10-4

Andyram — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:36:45 +0000

Okay, so I missed last week. Big deal, it took a little longer then expected to recover from the jager-fest that was tailgating before the beat down that Iowa dished on it’s lowly retarded younger brother named ISU.

So now its week 3, and the AP is starting to catch up to what I started, PSU in the top 5, The U. in the top 10 and now when are they going to realize that Iowa is clearly the best team in the nation? Well, rest assured, these mother fuckers will see come Saturday night when Iowa drops the hammer in Happy Valley.

So here we go,

Top 10

1. Iowa (3-0)

If I could ask Daryll Clark one question it wouldn’t be “Why do you have pictures of Derek Moye giving you the rusty fish hook on facebook?” It would be more like, “Are you going to try to tackle The AsSASHin Saturday night on the five plays you get a chance to?”

2. Arizona (2-1)

I feel in love this weekend..

With one of their cheerleaders.

3. Penn State (3-0)

If both Sash has less then 5 pics and A-Rob has less then 5 TDS this weekend then they can move up next week. Which seems very unlikely. By the way, when JoePa dies this weekend due to heart failure in the 1st quarter when Broderick (Mercedes) Binns takes out the entire offense on one play, the show must continue!

4. Michigan (3-0)

These guys are a prime example how everybody working a little unpaid overtime could turn this economy around.

5. Ohio State (2-1)

How can people talk bad about a man that wears a sweater vest to work, seriously?

6. The U. (3-0)

We were discussing kicking Purdue out of the Big 10 and letting UNI join.. Maybe it should be these guys?

7. Cal (3-0)

Or what about these guys? Nah, too much of a hippie town for my liking. Although, putting the hurt on Minnesota did you two things: 1. Made me one happy mother fucker. 2. Earned you a number 7 ranking this week.

8. Wisconsin (3-0)

There are two things I’m looking forward to when Iowa travels to Madison next month and one thing I’m not. Taking the Hawkize Bus up there and beating your skulls in. The thing I’m not looking forward too, hearing about Bielema’s tattoo in every Des Moines register article that week.

9. Indiana (3-0)

C’mon, they’re undefeated.. That’s more than USC can say…

10. Alabama (3-0)/Ole Miss (2-0)

Oh shit, wait, I’m suppose to rank the 10th best team in the country not give you the names of the two most inbred teams in the nation.. Oh well, I’m too lazy to change it now.

Bottom 4

1. Iowa State

So you finally beat one of the shittiest teams ever assembled that was also depleted with more injuries then Jewish concentration camp in 1940 and you go out and do what? Busted smoking weed? Losers..

2. Kent State

You fucking bums. How do you lose to these worthless pieces of garbage?

3. Overrated Big 12 teams

Okay, these shitty teams are so overrated right now.. The thing that pisses me off is that they are so fucking overrated that they go out and lose to the BYU’s and Houstons of the world and everybody is so blind they decide to rank these shitackulor (yeah, that’s a word, I made it up) teams thinking that they are good now. Fuck, for christ sake.

4. The Entire Country of Mexico

Okay, I am changing my previous threat and now saying that if they cancel 1 game because of your swine flu bullshit, we are going to go for the neck and shut down every Western Union in the US and then rename the taco to the “Freedom Fold”

Week 1 10-4

Andyram — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:33:14 +0000

We’ve got a weekend of football in the books and now we are back putting together another set of rankings. This week, there’s a little shuffling, dropping and adding going on, but Iowa still remains the greatest team in the land, and Iowa State is still the worst.

Top 10

1. Iowa

The Hawks came out a little flat this weekend, but hey, lets face it, over half the team was at the Hawkize Bus tailgating for 5 hours before the game and played extremely drunk and still came out with a win, and after beating the 2nd best team in the HAWKEYE state, its easy pickens this weekend when they travel to Lames. Look for a thousand+ point win against the lowly ‘clowns this weekend.

2. Northern Iowa

Any team that walks out of Historic Kinnick stadium with the same amount of players as it walked in with is the 2nd best team in the nation. Looks like the state of Iowa is big enough for two national champion teams.

3. Ohio State

After letting the cheerleaders play this past weekend against Navy look for Slim Jim to play the T.P. and Co. against USC for the victory.

4. Penn State

I’ve been watching so much Big Ten Network lately, and every time I think of JoePa and his Nittany Lions, I hear Paterno grinding his teeth and saying “come to Penn State!” Well, Iowa will be there two weeks from Saturday, and buddy, be careful what you wish for.

5. Florida

The only reason Tim Tebow doesn’t play in the Big Ten is because the SEC’s girls are waaaaaaaaay easier to tell no to then the fine women of the Big Ten.

6. USC

Well, Pete, this is it, I can’t keep you in the top 10 after this week when you no longer have a team.

7. Michigan State

Who’s the little brother now?

8. Michigan

After the way they played Saturday, nobody seems to care about RichRod’s 24/7 offseason practice schedule. Hey, it paid off.

9. Miami

After Monday night everybody is starting to see what I was talking about. The U is back, baby!

10. LeGarrette Blount

Some say he lost his cool. I say he did the one thing that every player who has lost to team full of goofy retards wants to do. Your season may be over, LeGarrette , but I’ll let you sit in the top 10 for a week. By the way, my next beer is for you.

Bottom 4

1. Iowa State

Iowa State showed us why they are the worst team in the country. Giving up 7 yards a carry on their way to beating the one armed squad sent down by NDSU, Iowa State still sucks. Look for the program to fold after the Hawkeyes kill this team worse then the Marshall Thundering Herd airplane.

2. Oklahomo

Knocked out by a Mormon? Heisman trophy winner my ass…

3. Auburn

Gene, you may have beat Lousiana Tech, but don’t think that gets you off this list.

4. The Entire country of Mexico

If they cancel 1 football game because of your swine flu bull shit, I swear to God, we are decaring war.

Preseason 10-4

Andyram — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 12:33:22 +0000

In this day and age, almost everybody pumps out some sort of preseason rankings, from ESPN to Playboy and even The Southwest Mexican Star Journal. The problem is, they all look the same, and they all suck.

So we are bringing back our proud tradition of ”Real mother fucking deal” rankings. Ones where Iowa is always at the top and ones where Iowa State stands on the doormat. (Although ISU is pretty much a mainstay at the bottom of everybody’s rankings.)

So here you go, this is Hawkize’s 2009 Preseason 10-4.

Top Ten

1. Iowa

This one is pretty obvious. After torching the SEC’s best team in South Carolina in the Outback Bowl and returning Heisman front runner Ricky Stanzi, Iowa clearly looks to run the table this year en route to a National Championship. Throw in the fact that they boast the nation’s best offensive line, a solid set of backs and receivers and the greatest head coach to walk the face of the Earth. The defense is loaded with a 10 foot high by 53 and a half yards wide brick wall playing D-line, 3 bulldozers at linebacker and the best shutdown corner since… well, ever.

2. Ohio State

Ohio State looks to get the honor of not only getting ass pounded by Iowa once this season, but twice. There will be no Big Ten bashing this year when Ohio State loses the National Championship game as it will be at the mercy of Pat Angerer and the Hawkeyes.

3. Penn State

The Nittany Lions boast the world’s oldest man at coach, who happens to have the energy of 4 year old kid who has chugged 50 Red Bulls. JoePa might need to pad up at halftime on Sept. 26 after the Hawkeyes leave nothing but a path of death and destruction on the field in Beaver Stadium.

4. Tim Tebow

I hate Florida, I hate Urban Meyer and I hate the Gator’s tight end, Hernadez Julio Taco Gonzalez or whatever his name is. But Tim Tebow gets it done, although Ricky Stanzi and Iowa stand in the way of Tim winning another Heisman and National Championship, he should roll the SEC.

5. USC

Pete Carroll will get on his hands and knees and thank God when he finds out USC will play some chump non-BCS team in the Rose Bowl due to the All Big 10 Championship game. God then strikes him down where he stands because there should be no Rose bowl where the Big 10 isn’t involved.

6. Michigan State

They return enough quality players to check in at number 6 in the rankings. 6 is also the number of quarterbacks they will have to run through due to injury when Iowa pays them a visit on the 24th of October.

7. Illinois minus Arrelious Benn

Juice is back for his 17th season under center. The Zooker is still retarded, and if these guys played Iowa this year, the scene might more closely resemble a 1865 battle between a group of pioneers and a wild hoard of Illini Indians. Look for Illinois to drop a 50-0 spot on Missouri this weekend.

8. Michigan

Rich Rod’s got these guys working overtime in the off season to try to keep their loss to Iowa this year under 100 points. Not enough hours in the week for that. Sorry Rich.

9. Miami (FL)

So I watched a highlight tape of the 2001 Miami team that killed Nebraska a few days ago. I was so impressed it that it translated into them earning a spot on the 2009 Preseason rankings.

10. Wisconsin

They only lost to Iowa by 22 last year, throw in the fact that they have a former Hawkeye at the helm, it only made sense to put them in the preseason top 10.

Bottom 4

1. Iowa “NAIA” State

Clearly the worst team in college football. Hell, in all of organized football for that matter. They dropped their last 10 games of the season last year, got quit on by their coach and another former player of theirs committed suicide. Look for them to top it all off with a winless season, and the body count to only grow.

2. Gene Cheese Dick’s Auburn Tigers

This is a team that clearly has no interest in winning football games. They fire a coach who gave them an 85-40 record only to go out and hire who? Gene Chizik, a man who clearly did everything he could to prove that he is only working with a fraction of the brain power used by goldfish.

3. Arrelious Benn

Arrelious Benn says he hates Iowa. Well, Arrelious, we hate you and go fuck yourself. You wouldn’t have opened your mouth if you knew you had to play us this year. Bad news though, Bob Sanders lurks the secondary in the NFL and I swear on Mikehawk’s life that Bob will find you, and you will pay… dearly.

4. Any Sun Belt team

This whole conference is terrible, rivaling with the Big 12 north as the worst conference in the NCAA. You can go ahead and pick any one of these teams and they fill this spot quite nicely.